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Sometimes I'm amazed at how hard it is to change. I know many people feel the same. You are stuck in a way of living, and you wanna make a change within, but you soon realize that life will always be the same, and it'd stay that way unless you make a real change. But I feel like you gotta be that type of person who is strong enough to make a real change, because I don't feel capable of making it. I would usually find myself wanting to do something about my life, but then it's like I immediately give it away, and life simply goes on, and I continue to get stuck in place. When your life hits rock bottom, and you want to put your mind to changing your life, but it's like a fool's errand with no payout. I'm desperate sometimes to make a change within before the race of my life ends. I think I'm pretentious, I just don't even know what I'm doing. Wasting all my potential, letting all my ancestors down. I guess I'm not quite satisfied, because there's so much more I wish to experience. What exactly do I expect? Scratching around in the same old hole. I don't feel like I'm trying my best, I feel like my life is going to waste. I also don't know what is trying your best, like should I put all my brain "juice" to use? I'm not ambitious or disciplined enough to change my life. But I truly feel like it's slipping away from my hands. I'm usually the one to think I have the notion of the world around me, but I also often have the idea, the more I learn, that I didn't know as much as I think I did... and suddenly the idea of thinking I even take everything into consideration, scares me, because just imagine if everything was possible or currently happening, even the worst stuff made of nightmares would be real in a place far away from here. I feel like I'm squandering all my potential, I'm watching my life go by no matter my intentions. I'm so out of touch with reality, and it all comes down to me seizing the moment as much as I can, until I feel the weight of the world bearing on me, and rehearse and repeat. I would also like to know what "it" is, like don't be afraid, just tell me what it is, even if it means something freaky. I just wanna know. I know space is big, just imagine the Voyager 1 being thousands of millions kilometers away from earth. Only to think that we have so many ancestors, and they passed down their genes to us. I can't help but theorize everything, but that should mean that each time there's a new born, that child would most likely become a more evolved individual, so really, much more far away, our ancestors just were tinier and tinier every time. So this is the end of an era too... because I will not have kids, and neither will my brothers. Who are gonna be the winners at the end of this race? Maybe I'm just getting ahead of myself. I just hope whoever it is, doesn't disrespect those who lived before. I believe survival of the fittest and natural selection are not good things to take your morals from, if you ignore the theories, it's just common sense that when we look at life, everything happens for a reason. Those who didn't succeed, including me, happened to suffer at the hands of this cruel life, and never learned how to drive a car or what a vagina was until way later. What was I talking about? Changes; I think it just doesn't matter, because we all are gonna die... and yeah, sure we could find a cure to death, but the likelihood of that happening, is low, especially with limited resources, and I don't know but who's to say? To change means to do or die, or draw from what others gave you to make it more worthwhile in the future. They showed us how it's done, or if you are lucky, you could show others how it's done; so why didn't I succeed? I didn't mean to make this some kind of existential dread, but how come it's this the way it is? Maybe it's on us to realize, because complaining does nothing for change. I don't know, and I'm also seeing a lot of hatred these days. Everyone is falling into the trap of being mean. People don't realize how cruel they are being. It takes skill to be real and a good person. Everyone is forgetting how to love. So yeah, if you want change, you should realize that it took thousands of years to be here, millions even... and it's unfortunate, but we are not really immortal. Imagine trying to make sense of the fact that we are stranded in the middle of space, somewhere where arguably the vast majority of space doesn't care. What if the moment you think about it, you come into existence? What other way would existence make sense? If we aren't all little carriers of the truth. Stupid "nothingness" doesn't make any sense to me either, like why would you assess there's something, whatever it is, and take away from it by saying before any event period there would be "less"?! Doesn't make sense, so I just think the strangeness of life, makes up for the fact that bad things happen to us or how distorted it all seems to be. You don't get how big space is, and neither do I, but that's what science tells me, and they gotta be somewhat right, so take a step back, and realize that you don't know it all. Because we are conceptualizing animals, but whatever "it" is, it's obviously not meant to be understood by thinking, but by experience and touch. So... life makes sense to me right now; I'm getting visuals and stuff about life and everything, and honestly, I feel like when that moment is here, it's a good time to let it be and rest the case. I expanded myself so much on this. It's therapeutic for me to write my thoughts.
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You are already making progress. Change begins when you choose. You will do great.
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