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I don't know how to describe these feelings; it's like I'm stuck in a box, where I know I'm gonna die, and sometimes I'd feel alien to this world. I'm gonna sound like a crybaby and I'm gonna say, I'm afraid to lose my mom. I realize we are many people. Well, wouldn't have come this far if I didn't heal and life didn't get better, but sometimes it feels like this is a distress chamber and I frankly would have liked to either never been born or been born in a better place. Right now, I'm not feeling good. I just need somebody to tell me the truth about life, what is my purpose and stuff. I can't some days, it's hard to bear with the fact that the people I grew up with are gonna die and I'm going to be left all alone. I feel like once your brain "fully develops" you stop truly living life. I just don't wanna do this anymore. It's like people who committed suicide, and honestly I feel like nobody cares. There's no love for quitters, and it's so obvious to me that rich people get along with other rich people. And why is it so hard to kill myself, even if I don't wanna live anymore? I don't necessarily feel good, yet I can't really truly choose to take my own life. There's a word I wanna say that doesn't exist... a word that summarizes existence. Words don't make the cut, these feelings are otherworldly. Please don't let me drown, I don't wanna do this on my own. I have tried countless times to make some peace and sense of this world, and oddly enough some times it did seem like I could find my way straight to the point I was seeing, but other times it feels like a pressure coming down on me and it's like the weight of the world on my shoulders. Since when did things become so unnatural and uncanny to me? I don't feel like home; it feels like my home is somewhere far away from here, and me living on a rock in space under an average star was not my destiny. I shouldn't be here, there's going to be so much bittersweet moments only for us all to die. I just don't understand why we got no choice in the matter, like maybe we are fooling ourselves into thinking we are life. I don't know what else to say, sometimes I wake up and I feel a feeling of dread, that bad things could be happening to me and that awful taste of knowing I'm gonna die and also everyone I love. So sick of this existence. Life was a mistake. We are all going to die. It gets better but it also gets worse, every single time. And it doesn't make any goddamn sense... existence doesn't make any goddamn sense. Tired of applying wishful thinking, I'm just a distorted mess. Now let's all move along with our lives, because I swear no one cares. I'm just going to put this out here and say, I told you... we were all going to die, and now that day has come; you can't prove me wrong, I am right about this. Just stop fighting. For anyone reading this in the future, give up the fight. The pain and suffering are not worth it. The only thing that makes sense is when good things happen. I waited for this moment so long, now we are all dead. There's no chance that we will ever survive, and that's for the better, because we all suck and deserve to remain silent.
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