Depression and Social stigma

I wish people knew.

No one asks. I think a lot of people care though I often tell myself that no one cares enough because if they did they would help me instead of letting me struggle alone.

WHERE ARE THEY, not here, because they don't care enough, no one cares enough.

They don't see me, I wish I could tell them what's in my mind. People are judgemental, they might tell me that I'm being unreasonable or immature, that I'm wrong. I just want to explode and let everyone know, though it's scary because people have scary opinions, some might not believe me, others might pity me or look down on me, some will be passionate and will explode with their own opinions taking the scene while throwing my voice out the window saying "I can't relate to you and THIS... is how things are for me" or "I disagree with what you say and I WON'T or DON'T feel the same or agree with you".

Some that pity me might see me as a sinner like I'm messed up and broken, something to be ashamed of, someone to avoid, a sickness they don't want to catch, disgusting, ugly, garbage.

It feels like I've done things I told myself I'd never do, and I'm becoming someone I told myself that I never wanted to be, and now I hate myself because I don't like the person in the mirror, and in all honestly no one could hate me more than I hate myself.

I've fallen so far, I was the example for my family, the one my siblings and parents admired, the good kid that did his best and made everyone proud. Now I couldn't be more ashamed. Anyone new would never guess or could ever believe that I used to be the person people admired the son that made his parents proud the kid that his aquiantances cheered for or secretly admired.

And it feels like I can't tell anyone this because their opinions feel like too much to carry and even if I did share these thoughts it feels like nothing would change, no hero's are coming to rescue, no one's going to bust open the door and reach out their hand to help or save me, it's just me, I'm on my own, I'm alone.

I'm the only one that's going to help me because no one cares enough to help me. When I walk no cars pull over to help, people see me struggle yet leave me to struggle alone. No one reaches for me, no one messages saying they want to be my friend. No old friends from school no new friends from church or work. Old aquaintances fade, they don't reach out to me, I'm always the one that needs to reach because no one's reaching for me.

I know I isolate,

though I don't want to be alone.

Friends feel like too much,

I'm afraid to be close though I'm afraid to be distant. When they get close to me I feel afraid they'll run away because of everything inside, so I run first. Now I don't even get close.

Socialising feels painful and almost impossible. Feels like I have to wear a mask or sing the right tune of happy lies in order to receive the privilege of others talking and trusting me. Like if I told them that I'm not okay most of the time or when they say "How are you.." saying "not okay" or "depressed" or any combination or hint of pain doesn't feel like an option.

Because it feels like the conversation dies the moment I tell the truth. I lose them the moment I let them in or tell them how much pain I'm in.

I feel afraid and I think I lose them because they can't take it, my pain is too much, it's too heavy for them to carry, it's too much to hear, too sad to take, too much in a seconds notice, no time, no space, they never ready. It feels like I can never tell the truth because it's never an option because they can never take the truth,

I'm afraid of oversharing so now I share very little, almost nothing. And when I do share I feel afraid of getting too close so sharing my pain never feels like an option because if I share my pain then they're getting too close and I can't take it, it feels like too much they're too close, like a shotgun locked and loaded all it takes is for them to aim and pull the trigger. And then I'll feel the pain all over again, rejected, abandoned, unloved, never enough and "I knew it" and "I was right" and I can't trust anyone and I'm messed up and I'm broken and I was wrong, wrong to trust, wrong to try, so I'll hide, I'll pull back, I'll keep my distance, because it feels like I can't take another shot.

Does it ever get better, I hope though it's hard to believe, I'm doing it on my own, it's hard to keep going, keep fighting, I feel I'm on my own, no one's got my back.