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I don't know how long can I go on. I love her, and I'll always love her, but I feel I can no longer keep with her dramatic negativity. I cannot keep with her untreated mental desease and her border personality. It's killing me softly.
I'm at a point where I nonlonger know what to do, because it's always what she didn't want to do. I always do everything wrong on her eyes.
And then, I find myself crying in anguish. And I know the sanest thing to do would be leave her, but I'm worried about what she can do after that. And the possibilities are endless, from saying she'll kill herself to going ballistic and don't let me see or take care of my kids, just to hurt me.
Deep inside me, I know most of the things she does, is to hurt me.
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Middle aged here and my wife has suffered from bi-polar disorder for many years.
I've always explained it this way - if a person is in a wheel chair and that person asks you to hand them a drinking glass from a kitchen cabinet, you'd do so without hesitation while wearing a smile on your face for being helpful because it's easy to see what this person is dealing with. Unfortunately, we can't "see" the mental issues people are dealing with but, rather, we see the results from those issues instead.
My wife and I had dated for some time and all was "great in the land". At a much later date, and after having been together and living together for a while, she got pregnant. It was after the birth of our child that things started to change for her. I could explain my situation and some may ask, "Why would you marry her if she's like that?". The catch, you see, is that things weren't always this way. She changed. Chemically, her brain changed.
And what did that change look like under our roof, you may ask? Well, we could have several days of "normalcy" and then, without warning, she would get really, really angry about a small issue that, in fact, is likely not an issue at all. To shed more light on this, I can give a real example here. I was going to make noodles for our little one for lunch but the small pot we typically use for this purpose was dirty. I could have washed that small pot, yes, but I don't see the need as we have a dishwasher and it'll get in there and get cleaned in the afternoon. So, instead, I simply grabbed a slightly larger pot, filled the bottom with water, turned the burner on, and dumped in the noodles. Before I continue, it should be noted at this point that we're at the mid point in the day and my wife and I have not been arguing. The last several days to this point have been bliss. But then she comes by and sees the larger pot with noodles in them and she asks me why I didn't use the smaller pot. I explained the smaller pot was dirty and then kind of laughed it off because, in all honesty, it was my take on being smart (I can call allow the dishwasher to wash both of these pots later) and a bit lazy (which also makes it funny). But then she questioned me again on it and I knew, in that moment, she just flipped the switch. And, just like that, she's mad at me and I mean really mad. I try to consul her but she tuns it into - "Just do whatever you want like you always do." She's referring to me using the larger pot as opposed to turning all of this off, now washing the small pot, and transferring everything there to finish the cook. Both pots are dirty now so there's no sense in that but...you know. She gets so angry over this that she storms around for the rest of the day when she has to get up but decides to spend most of her time in bed watching videos on her phone (not her typical MO). She tries to say nothing to me but, if she has to, she's loud and rude about it. Yep, all of this because I used a slightly larger pot.
These "episodes" are simply her going manic from the disorder. She may go manic today and again tomorrow. She may not go manic again for two weeks. It was too random to have any idea of when this was going to happen and the episodes would always last the remainder of the day (even if one was triggered early in the morning - now you're whole days is ruined) and could sometimes last another day or two following that but, typically, we found her to be Ok when she woke on the morning following a manic episode.
There is, unfortunately, no cure for this disorder but there are treatments. Medications can be prescribed to help regulate the mood and prevent the manic episodes from occurring. Find the right medicine isn't easy, either. After speaking with her doctor, she had to try several different medications before we could find one, and the right dose, to work for her. Even worse is that for all of these medications, you have to allow them ample time to exist in the system before they start to work. Instead of taking a pill to treat a headache in fifteen minutes, this is more like taking a pill to slowly loose weight. Because of the complexities here, the variables surrounding the medications, and the time they need to exist in the system before you know they are working, it can really take a good while to get this sorted out.
I can happily say, though, that she's been on the medication for years now and we've had no issues....as long as she remembers to take the medication daily.
But I can say with some amount of certainty that I was once very much in your shoes and it's quite unpleasant for so many reasons that many won't understand.
I was in love with my wife, I knew what she was like before the disorder, and I was willing to wait it out as we searched for a "fix", but I must admit my patience was wearing thin and I wasn't sure, for a while, if we were going to make it. Too many times I felt like walking away from the relationship.
In speaking with my wife out this, one day when she wasn't manic, she explained that the way it works is that she knows she's in the wrong but, when she's manic, what she's doing feels right. So later, when the episode wears off, she feels bad about it all.
But now I'd like to move on to your situation.
Assuming your wife has the same, or some similar, disorder, I can hope there is help for her out there. It may require visits to multiple doctors and months of trying several different medications but it's likely she can find something to prevent her from acting out this way.
If you feel this is an option you'd be willing to explore, you need to catch her on a good day and make time to sit with her at a time when there will be no distractions. Have a talk with her and explain how much you love her, how her actions and words are hurting you (and the children), and how her actions are putting a strain on the relationship. Let her know there are options and ask if she'd be willing to speak to a doctor about these things. At our house, once we knew what the issue was and started the road to recovery, I simply didn't fool with my wife when she went manic because, by this point, we both knew and we knew we were working to resolve it. So rather, I would say to her - "Love, you're having a manic episode and we need to be apart from one another until this is over. I will stay out of your way and you just let me know if you need anything from me." Then she would go to the bedroom and stay away, too, until the following day when it was over. You and your wife need a way to communicate with one another, during the manic episodes (assuming your wife has the same disorder) until you can cross the working medication bridge. And, one day, hopefully you can put all of this behind you.
If she's unwilling to speak to a doctor, or work in any other manner to find a resolution, or if she's not suffering from a disorder but rather just "not a nice person", you may need to find an escape. There is a lot of uncertainty about what she may do if you find yourself needing to leave but, no matter how she reacts, this would all likely be temporary for you as you would be elsewhere and, at some point, she would likely stop bothering you. This could be a far better option than sticking it out with her with no treatment on the horizon just walking on eggshells each day because you aren't sure if you're going to set her off and have her treat you like garbage for no reason at all for the rest of the day. I understand children are involved and you must think of their safety and mental wellbeing as well. It's likely that, if you were to separate from this woman because of her actions and words, it would likely be easy for you to claim the children as dependents and they could stay with you, rather than her, after the separation. The legal system shouldn't allow the children to stay there if she's going to be a threat to them.
We're sorry to hear that you are dealing with this issue and we hope you will find a road to happiness soon. With any luck, you and your wife can walk that road together, hand in hand.
Good Luck!
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