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We psychotic people get denied love. I think my meds do work, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have to depend on them. It was a hard constructed road how I got into meds. And not gonna lie, I don’t have many “relationships” other than my family, well… more specifically, my mom; but looking back into all my friendships, there was definitely something wrong with me. I’m not sure if completely blaming it on my psychosis, or other factors… well, certainly the fact that I’m psychotic must be one of them. I remember when I smashed a rope into one of my childhood friends; everyone looked at me with disdain. You know that feeling you make a mistake in the heat of the moment, but instantly regret it? That happened to me in my life more times than I could count or remember. I just have a bug for entering fights, and it can be noticeable that my meds are actually helping me not be that monster; that’s why when I wake up, the first thing I do is swallow those bastards right away. Hey, anyways, how’s life for everybody else? I haven’t been here in 4 days… which is saying something. Been having a good time, and I usually am the most grateful for technology and the internet. Today, I felt “derealized” a little bit; I even showed my mom what “derealization” means… gosh, ever since I saw what this word means on doddleoddle’s channel, I am grateful for it, because I feel like it represents me so well, just like when I discovered about my OCD thanks to someone’s comment here. There’s definitely something very chemical about how people are and behave, and I feel like that’s something that happens to me. What I’m wishing is that more people were open to meds, but especially to a younger age… because I would have loved to have a helping mechanism; I feel like that would have saved me some friendships or fights. But don’t look back in anger! Once you know regretting something will never give you what you want, next step is to realize that you are here, just like everybody else. Personally, I have struggled with not giving people the satisfaction… because I feel like they wanna take from me, and they indirectly want to push me to be the bad one for them to look good. There’s a big, underlying problem happening with my mom; some sort of lies between truths going on, that sometimes we fight, but always come back to refriending. The same happens to me on a deeper level with the world; I feel like some weird pressure which could blow my peace of mind any moment; I talked about this so many times, and I don’t know if to this day I continue to miss my chance like a car passing on the highway. I like to talk strange… we know we are more strange than we look, right? I feel like every person has potential to blow up their own, respective way. We tend to be really self serious about a lot of things from the very beginning of our lives, then once the chance to blow has been taken, we often fall comfortable into a more layback way of living. I have more odd thoughts than I could possibly put into words, because truth is, I am constantly trying to convey a meaning with words, but at the same time, I’m drawing from a set of words or language that could never satisfy every molecule playing a part in this vast universe ruled by physic laws. I might be getting ahead of myself. Sometimes I wonder, but we are really more full of ourselves than loving individuals, because to me what I say is pretty deep, but it happens to me pretty often that when I’m listening to music, what the artist is saying completely goes from one ear to the other for me. I wish to let them know that, I wish I could understand them better… because to me, a lot of people will almost always do it better than me, in some regards… for example, they would convey their meanings better, or they would have, story-telling wise, deeper things to say that, me, having never experienced it, would never be able to properly put into words. Go figure why I was talking about my psychosis and ended up talking about this other stuff. I’ve been having weird patterns of thinking lately, like for example, I always wish a genie would suddenly randomly appear and grant me one wish, so I always get ready for it; or I also fantasize a lot with someone getting inside my mind, and reading all my thoughts… I think I do it more as a selfish thing so they could appreciate me and see how weird I am and how I actually care about other people. Sometimes, I just want people to care that I care. One of my fears is that some people would not have these crazy thoughts running through their minds… because, everybody’s gotta have strange thoughts, right? Well, at least I hope so… please don’t let yourself be shallow and lame; I would like for every person to understand that this reality is all over the place, and that we are no less. The world is literally yours, but what you do with it… tells a lot about you as a person. Hopefully one day people would stop disagreeing, and realize that the world could still be beautiful, and we all could still be different, all at the same time. I guess I’ma leave it there. Thanks for reading if you did.
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I enjoyed reading this. Thanks for writing it.
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