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A week of dreaming
A week of feeling as though my brain is not connected to my body
A week of feeling how minute the earth is as if
I am here by force and not choice
A week of metaphorically checking my fingers to see if there are five on each hand
A week that truly, felt more gruelling and irritating than anything
Like an itch that you cannot scratch,
An itch that persists
How small and weak and insignificant that itch may be
Albeit it still irritates me
After a day of tests to find out what might be wrong with my mind
After lying in tubes and watching blood flow from my veins
Letting my body go limp
Succumbing to the machines and the dystopian worlds that are hospitals
As if searching for some meaning, some purpose
To be here
Another appointment
A dental check up I have been having yearly since I was a little girl
With the same wide grinned doctor, with longing in his eyes and bags underneath
Run in hurriedly, speckled with droplets from the rain
Smile at the receptionist that I have known since I was a little girl
Out steps the most gorgeous man I have ever seen
I realised in that moment that I have not truly met a beautiful man before
If I thought I had, I only thought I had
I am an emotional girl
I feel a lot of emotions
And I feel them deeply
If you were to ask who in the world has felt every emotion possible
You would say me
But on that day I felt a new emotion
It made me forget about the scans
And the doctors
The ropes around my arms
And the jail that my brain is in
It made me feel like being here wasn’t so bad
When I felt that feeling
It was the pure side of the stripped double ended sword
That is human emotions
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