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Why do I feel so antsy all the time, stir crazy. I already got out today and exercised quite a bit. I hungout with a person, I had a good time. But now I'm home, its the afternoons, and I feel like I HAVE to find something to do. I am reaching out to anyone I know (not many people) and I just want to be with people. I think its because I am not comfortable with myself? I do not feel intrinsicly valueable, I have the need to external validation from others? Maybe. That is a suspicion. I have a hard time being alone with myself, because I dislike myself. Why? What is it? Why do I want to drink or get high to change the way I feel? What is this feeling? I feel self-destructive. But I have no reason to feel this way. From the outside, most people would see me as a successful person. But on the inside, there is self-hate, loathing, feelings of failure, but at what? I can' think of anything significant I have failed at... I want to figure this out. I want to be happy and love myself, and be comfortable with my self as much as I can be around others who value me, I want to value myself intrinsincly. It must be possible. There is something in me that I dislike and I cannot put a finger on it. Meditation maybe? Food, video games? Instant gratification? This is what I crave, but I need to just be with myself. I need to be present and observant. I don't have a terrible life, I am lacking friendship maybe, and currently a romantic partner, but so what. I have family, I have the basic necessities for survival. I know part of my dislike is my sexuality... but in my conscious mind I don't see it as a big deal. Maybe my subconscious mind hates it. It doesn't feel significant enough to be the cause of all this anxiety and self-hate. But it could be... Is there anyway I can just accept myself? Whatever the subconscious hate is, just accept it? Fuck, I might drink this away tonight. No I won't. But I definitely want to.
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welp, I got drunk about it. Amd I gotta be gonest, I feel a lot better. I'm sure tomorrow I will feel worse. But for now. I am satisfied
ReplyYou like boys?
ReplyThere is no advice i can give you only knowledge. The knowledge that I too feel the same most days.
Reply