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During my training, I've felt mentally and emotionally broken enough to write these two pieces. I can't be extremely frank and honest about how I feel at my darkest with most people. I hope that posting this can help me let go of these feelings and heal.
Part One - I wasn't always like this
"Did you take the Zyrtec this morning?"
I nod.
"How much fluoxetine do you take?"
"60mg", I reply. The highest recommended dose.
The nurse continues to reconcile my medications....
"I wasn't always like this", I think
I didn't come to you this way
Medical school has molded me, but not in the gentle way of wax or clay. It was in the brutal way that wood is molded, using steam and steel. Bending you to just shy of your breaking point by force, leaving you forever changed.
Medicine has changed my life in beautiful ways too. Allowed me to peer in and gain an intimate view of the patients I care for, while leaving a healing mark upon their body and psyche
Medical school, too, has given me intellectual stimulation, uplifted me, and given me a place and peers with whom for the first time I feel at home.
The trials of the last 4 years have also brought me closer than I could have ever imagined to my loved ones, who while proud of me also worry intently about my reaction to the pressures, that are often self-imposed, of my training.
As I approach the eve of my transformation from student to MD and reflect upon my life -- where I've been and where I'm going--I wonder how the next stage will leave me.
Will I be carefully, masterfully hewn and shaped? Or will I be cracked, even broken, then mended with duct tape and glue? Will I weather the next part of my training better than the first part?
The nurse asks me "do you work here or something? Because I had to break the glass"
And I smile and chuckle to myself
Because I wasn't always like this.
Part Two - Musings of an Empty Doctor
I feel so alone, unsupported, empty
I don't care as much as I want to about my patients, care even less about myself.
I feel empty, my house is empty, my fridge is empty, my wine bottles are empty, my bank account is empty, my heart is empty.
"I hate my life" has become a despicably familiar mantra. Why am I not happy? I want desperately to be happy.
I thought I would be happily reunited with my love, on track to my life's dream of marriage and family. That's gone and I feel lost. Hopeless. Wandering. Floating through life. Without a cause. Except for this doctoring thing...do I even want it? Should I quit?
My love is drawing away from me, when I feel like I need him the most. I need his love, his presence in my life, the reassurance that he still wants me.
I need a distraction from my life. Or for my life to be more enjoyable....
That's one thing I still haven't figured out--how to be happy during the journey instead of always hoping that one day I'll enjoy the gratification I've delayed for so long.
I love my patients. I love helping them. I just need a break.... At least that's what I tell myself in order to keep going.
Can't stop, can't stop, literally CAN'T STOP. Keep moving one foot in front of the other. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?
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