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Depersonalization and a Million Other Subjects
3 months ago · 1 · Depersonalization, +3 · Explicit
126
rant all over the f*cking place probably. i hate you mom for invalidating me, every time with no fail, you don't make it easier on myself even knowing that i'm an insecure person. you are strong in character but in a bad way, your attitude is that of a bitch who is backed up by everyone you love and loves you, leaving me, your failed abortion, to suffer alone at the hands of your miserable treatment while everyone else admires your personality that you did not whatsoever earn... because that's what your parents gave you. my parents? they didn't give me shit. i wish i had no ears so i don't have to put up with your mental torture of your every movement, including my brother's. however also, i remembered a little thing called "nervous tics" that i had when i was a kid, like for example one of em was i folded my clothes while i had them on of course with my hands for example when i wad with friends, or another one where i opened my eyes spastically while also my friends looked at me weird. there probably are other nervous tics i had when i was a kid, but they probably washed out from my memory by now. also, music has been feeling all like the same to me lately, like it's just a blur, and i don't whatsoever dedicate a time to understand the lyrics... it's like communication between me and the artists gets completely lost. what's the point of making music other than the musicality when you don't even comprehend the message anymore? even my favorite songs, i listen to them several times and some of em i don't even know the meanings yet, it's like whatever completely goes by me. and there are 100 million songs on spotify, like holy shit... who has time to listen to them all, like it's physically impossible, so there definitely are things that are out of our reach while we think we got everything figured it out then you realize there are 100 freaking million songs on spotify... so i truly did think i had my mind made up, well no... it's all shit, it doesn't matter, i say many profound things because i feel i have the right to express them, but i'm a living contradiction. "i designed this rhyme to explain in due time all i know," line from a linkin park song... and i feel this way, i try to put down in words all my feelings, "watch it count down to the end of the day, the clock ticks life away," another line from it, yeah... life seems to be feeling very obviously like a prison of my skin and i know i'm going places and it all happens for a reason, yet i wish for so much more than i can have, it's insane. i'm sure i'm gonna die, like there's no way around it, right? if it isn't to make myself feel better again trying to write some shit that hopefully someone gives a damn about, but people always do it better... rule of thumb; if you think you are good at something, wait to get disappointed about someone having done it a thousand times better. i'm going crazy all this has been said by my brain with no facial expressions or anything in between, like i don't usually write these while drinking a freaking coke or some shit, i'm not an emotional cheerleader rooting for myself i just write non stop about the things that are happening to me, and it all feels so abnormal. i feel the need to say this right now but i don't speak english, so this all might definitely sound weird or cringe. today someone called me weird, and i wished to know how the world sees me, like when i look at other people i would feel bad when someone is being mean to them but me not being able to do anything about it makes me impotent and that feeling of feeling sorry for that person might make that person feel even worse. i'm always just trying to convince myself that no, people actually don't hate me, that that's a wrong idea i have about myself and other people, but at the same time it all feels so real, like my fears feel so real and i can't for the life of me shake off that feeling. i somehow gotta trust people that they are not behaving like assholes or laughing at me, trying to make me feel terrible from afar. i don't know guys, it all feels like too much, like i know i'm here, and i know my final destination, but it never seems to end, even though i know it will. it will never change like this, we need revolutionary people for that, we need some kind of revolution or new world order that doesn't involve more injustices. like i don't know about you but to me i kinda hate this digital era where people just don't go out that much anymore. i hate to sit on my ass all day, lie in my bed, etc. i wanna go places, i wanna construct roads that lead to space. i wanna meet the world to a lesser extent, since to me i think we are all getting quite bored of exploring the same things on this earth. "and still i see no changes," line from a 2pac song, i feel that way. i just don't like being in this body with so much conscience but no real or apparent way to break free from it. also, i think i have both derealization and depersonalization, the latter becoming apparent to me as of today, but i wouldn't say it's like a condition that happens to me all the time, and i don't care if someone tells me in order to have it i have to have it all the time... that's not how it works to me. i think i have it sometimes, maybe except when i'm happy, i don't know... but i searched the terms for both, and derealization is something i talked about a few times here, and depersonalization is something that as of late, been feeling i have. so yeah... might leave it there. final word, don't usually do this but i'm not going to reread all i just wrote... i'm going to leave it like this and however it comes it stays.
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A lot of parents like that 1950s way of life. Ya know, having a handkerchief to wipe your face on during meals. And they force you into work. And females are not as important as males because carrying the name or whatever. Nothing makes much sense to their kids because we have evolved over matters that was so put into their heads. Ya know, after awhile generations kinda lose that old vibe unless their Amish or something. they probably do too honestly. They always look embarrassed when I look at them. They always used to say children are to be seen and not heard. Well, I spent probably way too much time iny head alone while they sheltered me by being alone before I was in school. Making bologna and cheese tacos. Idk. We were always fed. But anything we ever got came from my rich grandma that my mom put in my head to hate. I really regret that. So much stuff I didn't need to know about has been put in my head like I'm supposed to remember it even though I wasn't born yet. My parents were usually wrong about everything. I'm sorry I went into my own little rant but it feels like you might have similar roots as me. It's 2024. And old folk won't evolve.
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