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Hello, whoever it is!
How are you?
I don't know where to start. Well, I'm going to turn 18 soon and I'm afraid that I'm not ready for this. I worry about what people think of me, that I can't control my thoughts and emotions, and that's why I'll hurt other people I love. I want to change deep down, but I don't do anything and I don't understand why. I hate who I am: my body, my personality, my temperament, my inability to do anything, my inconstancy. It would seem that I am almost an adult full-fledged member of society, but I am afraid. I afraid that I'm not suitable for this world. I'm stupid, I'm clumsy and shy. I want to become more masculine, I want to be brave, charitative, strong and I want to feel easy with people. It feels like I'm still a child in a maturing body, I don't like it. I'm afraid to go to a specialist, because I don't like to share problems. And I'm afraid that you never know if I will be put on a psychiatric register and I won't be able to enter the university this year. But at the same time, I feel absolutely nothing and cannot do anything, I do not know how I will study in another country, with new people, without relatives and completely without strength and motivation. I have problems communicating not only with strangers, but also with relatives. I just don't have the energy to communicate with them, and I feel guilty about it. I feel guilty for existing.
I have a desire to commit suicide on my mind, but I hesitate because of the only precious person I have. However, I often hurt him by accident, which upsets me very much. I want only good things for him, but it turns out the opposite.
There are too many thoughts in my head, they get confused and I can't transfer them to text. I think I'm lost. I'm scared. I just want to stop existing as physical creature.
I have many bad habits such as: smoking since I was 15 years old, consuming a lot of energy drinks, unknown pills, depriving myself of sleep and sometimes self-harm. I'm trying my best to stay away from them, but I get stressed even more with out them. That makes me sick.
That's it.
It's something I've been able to pull out of my head at the moment, but it's not all that bothers me, it's just that even now I feel terrible because I'm sharing it with someone.
I don't know what to do and how to start changing my life. I don't know if I will be able to fix all this. Help me.
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just stay alive. thats enough honestly. if you have one someone that loves you, that's enough. reach out to a suicide hotline if you are in danger. find resources to quit your addictions. if you have religion, return to it. i know it doesn't seem like it but 18 is still so young. you will get better at socializing and working in time. you made it a long way and you can still move on. reach out to your family members and be with them, chances they don't care if you're awkward, they love you because your theirs. sending love friends, from a 19 year old who is also scared but believes things will be better.
ReplyI hear you, and I want to commend you for your courage to share what's going on. You are really not alone in being overwhelmed with what lies ahead. It is quite understandable to be scared and uncertain at this stage of life and through this transition to adulthood. You are a strong and beautiful soul, just like everyone in this world. Remember, you aren't inferior to anyone, nor are you superior; we are all humans who go through ups and downs in life. Don't doubt yourself because life is not perfect, and that is why we have to stay strong and do our best everyday. I want you to try a new hobby, to distract yourself. It could be drawing, photography, reading, writing, going to the gym and many more. Also try and find some source of motivation to quit anything that is harmful for you. 18 is still very young, don't doubt your masculinity. Men reach peak masculinity in their 30's-40's. I wish you the very best stranger, eat well and stay safe.
ReplyPlease give faith a chance. Start your journey of faith - no religion required, but just visit different churches/ places of worship and discuss faith / believe in a higher power.
Also - please try to get 20 - 30 minutes of exercise at least 4 days per week, eat healthy food with mix of what everyone knows already- fruit/veggies/protein, plenty of water, and keep in mind that the human body is just a vessel - we can use it to do good, or to bad. By design, doing bad just gets worse, so hopefully you're focusing on a short term educational goal, and have a career goal in mind. Never forget - the sun sets, but it will rise again, and we don't have to ever look for the end, the end will find us on its own. I hope this helps.
Courtesy notice: the following includes a reference to a book that contains writings over 2000 years old which are mostly parables about human nature, both vile human nature as well as moral human nature, parables that are meant to teach us to learn and grow, including the teachings of Christ Jesus. No religion required, and better yet: no public displays of devotion required, although the former and latter are admirable if practiced freely out of one's own free will and without the threat of being beheaded. Some bullies will label this "trolling", so "change the channel" now if of no interest to you.
1 Thessalonians 5:11
Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
Mark 12:28-31
And Christ Jesus said the 2 greatest commandments are:
Love God first and foremost.
Love your fellow-being as you love yourself.
From following or not following these, all good or evil cascades, respectively.
Love...that powerful, invisible, intangible force that cannot be denied; even atheists live and die by it.
Mary, Mother of Christ, intercede for us with your prayers, now, and always.
And after our worst deeds - never forget God forgives us when we repent through Christ Jesus, when we change our minds and our actions.
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