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28/06/2024
I have to get this off my chest. Because we recently just saw each other again. You’ve always been clingy, but there was a time you hugged me, tight and long. My head was resting on your shoulder and yours on the side of my head. I actually forgot why you hugged me, or what you were telling me, because when you pulled away you interlaced our fingers. We stayed like that for just a minute, but during that time it all came back to me. SHIT! I swear! I was as surprised as you!
I didn’t expect to, but turns out I maybe did fall in love(?) with you. It happened when we were just playing around and pretending to be together because you were single and lonely and you needed someone who would make you blush and feel butterflies. I witnessed you fall in love with that asshole who broke your heart and wanted to make you feel wanted, loved, and happy. It was just a joke we were both laughing about.
You were joking about having a crush on me before we even started the pretense and after the asshole broke your heart. They were kind of really pointed. One time you mentioned maybe slipping me some love potion. There was one time you said you wanted to elope with me. Another time, you said you can’t trust yourself to be alone with me. (Yes, I remember. Because when I realized I might have been catching feelings, I went back and tried to think if you might have like me Checked for signs and whatnot) I wasn’t sure if there’s any truth to it. Because I’m a lesbian and I will never believe someone likes me unless you right out say “I actually want to be your girlfriend.” Maybe even then I’d still ask you if you’re joking. Though, at some point I started thinking that maybe, just a little bit, you might actually like me. Also, I noticed that our other friend, the one opposed to any of us in our group of friends dating each other, has been making an effort to make sure we’re never too close to each other. Honestly, at that time I did just see you as a friend and thought it was a little weird because we’ve been friends for years and you were 4 years younger than me. (Looking back now, we were actually both old enough then for it to not be inappropriate. You were already in your early 20’s and me in late 20’s. I was just an idiot and thought that everyone younger than I am was too young.) OKAY! To be more honest, at some point I did consider it just a little bit, but it was very easy for me to talk myself out of it.
It started so simple. You jokingly chatted saying “go get some rest, baby” with that kissy emoji. At this point, you had been flirting with me for a long time(jokingly, I think?). I always have ignored it because I really did think there was nothing to it and you were just playing around. But when I woke up that morning and saw your message, I decided to finally take the bait and ride along this joke you’ve been playing. I replied “good morning, baby!” with the same emoji you used. Fuck! I shouldn’t have done that. I was so stupid. I didn’t expect all this. That was the decision that led me to my doom. That simple fucking good morning text. Before that I’ve been living a pretty quiet life. I had been single for years and I never had a problem with that. Because my life was so simple without a girlfriend. AND! As you pointed out multiple times before, during, and after all this, I have commitment issues.
Not long after, I started blushing every time you messaged me. I started hoping that you’d message me. My heart would quicken a little when I receive a notification from you. I had to restrain myself to make sure I didn't reply too fast. I started smiling at your messages. I started trying to come up with reasons to text you. It was crazy and stupid. I don’t know when exactly it happened. I came to a dreadful realization that I might actually want to make it real. I literally deleted all my matches on Bumble. I was constantly thinking about you. I wanted to know how you’re doing and if you’ve eaten or if you’re getting enough sleep. I wanted to hold you. I wanted you…..and it scared the shit out of me. I was scared SHITLESS!
Did I stop though? When I realized all this? When I realized it was getting too real?
No. Because I couldn’t. I was too far gone. I was already down BAD.
I know you were already talking to someone you met at a dating site when we started this whole shit. I was okay with that because I know we were just playing around. You needed to find someone who would take you seriously and I haven’t given you any indication that I would do that. Because I’m an idiot. But, yeah, I started getting jealous. I started wondering if you’re talking to her when you’re not talking to me. But ultimately, I just wanted you to be happy.
My biggest mistake was that one time you said “hey, right now this is not too dangerous yet, so just you can keep going.” And I said, “just let me know if it’s getting to be too serious and I’ll stop.” Because you know, I needed to keep up the lie that it was all nothing to me (FUCKING IDIOT!). Then you asked me “don’t you want it to?” AND HOLY SHIT! I stared at that message in my notification for a looooong time. I was just about to go home from the office, and I literally had to smoke before I went home. My hands got all cold and I struggled to keep my breath even. I thought of it throughout my whole ride home. And when I got home, I remember screaming “FUUUUUUCK!” into my hands and punching the couch. I was confused. I was overwhelmed. My mind was racing. And then…
Then I was angry. I was angry at myself because I knew I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let myself be happy and I could let you all the way in. I was scared. I was so scared. And it wasn’t because I had commitment issues. I was ready to commit to you and only you. What I was scared of was letting myself be vulnerable. I was scared that maybe you’re still joking. I was scared that maybe I had just misunderstood your question. I was scared that maybe you actually didn’t feel the same way. I was scared that if I said yes, you'd reject me, and we wouldn't be friends anymore. I was scared that you’d pull away from me. Not only that, but I was also scared of the opposite. I was scared that if I had said yes, we’d actually turn this joke into something serious. I was scared that I wouldn’t have any time for you because I was working too much. I was afraid of letting someone affect my emotions. I was scared that I wouldn’t be good enough for you. I feared losing myself into you. I was mentally ill, and I didn’t want you to have to ever deal with my depression or my mania. I was scared that I was not going to be the girlfriend you deserve. I told myself I just wasn’t ready. I told myself that you’d be better off.
So (fuck I can’t believe I did this) I pretended to not understand what you meant (GOD I’M AN IDIOT!). I replied, “to be dangerous?” (WHAT KIND OF FUCKING IDIOT WOULD REPLY THAT?! ME! I’M A FUCKING MORON!) I have made a lot of mistakes in my life, but this was a COLOSSAL mistake. It has been more than 1 year, but I still think about this from time to time.
Back then I hadn’t realized just how big of a mistake that would be. I thought maybe I’d have another shot if I just had enough time to gather up the courage to shoot my shot. Then! Days (or weeks! I don’t really remember that well) later you told me I couldn’t call you “baby” anymore. You told me we needed to stop. Because you had started officially dating the other girl you met on the dating site.
AND HOLY FUCKING GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING SHIT DID IT HURT! WOW! I was NOT expecting that it’ll hurt that much! Did I cry? Yeah! But only just a little bit. Because that is only how much I would allow myself to. I had to lie even to myself that this was all good. I mean, didn’t I just say I wasn’t ready? That I wasn’t going to be good enough for you?
I was happy for you. I really was! Genuinely. You deserved to be happy. You deserve someone to hold, someone to love, some who would love you.
So the next few weeks I just kept telling myself that I made the right decision. That this is the best for you. That next time I’ll be ready. That next time, I wouldn’t be such a fucking coward. If there was a next time. But as much as I want to have another chance, I also never want you to ever get hurt again. I wish you had found the one and that you’d never have to go through another breakup. So here I fucking am hoping that someday I’d get to correct that mistake, but also hoping that I never get that chance. Crazy, right? I am fucking convinced that I’m actually insane.
I guess, maybe, in the next life?
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29/06/2024 (at night in your fucking bed)
Hey. It's me again. I'm sober now.
I wrote this last Friday. I got high at night (and then in the morning and then in the afternoon again before going). Then I went to that pride event in the afternoon.
I honestly think life is playing with me at this point. Because I wanted to buy a bunch of bracelets that looked cute. Turns out it came with free tarot card reading. So what the hell, I bought it.
First card I got was 9 of cups. The guy who was doing the tarot reading said that it's time for me to go do that thing I've been wanting to do for a long time. He said I've been making excuses for myself and that if I needed a sign to finally do it. It's this. He mentioned something about going for the career you want or you know….going for the person you want. (REMINDER THAT I JUST WROTE THIS THE NIGHT BEFORE!)
It gets worse. Me and our other friends decided to go to your house after. You lived quite far but I paid for the fare just to get to you and fast. I spent more than I usually spend for an entire week. Man! I'm down bad.
I sat there, in your bed, finally sober, on 2 hours of sleep,1 feet away from you, trying not to cry and wishing that you would inch closer to me and lay your head on the crook of my neck while we held each other.
------- the rest are written the morning of 30/06/2024 -----
And you kind of did. You put your head on my shoulder and I leaned my head on yours. Hoohooohooooly shit! It was heaven and hell all in one.
It's also so fucking stupid of me to have even gone to your house. I know I shouldn't have, but I really wanted to see you. I mean…the way you looked when we got in! You were in the kitchen cooking potato chips. You had your hair up in a ponytail and you were sweaty. It was warm there. You were wearing a black sleeveless shirt and jean shorts. You turned around and smiled at me(us prolly, but this is my story sooo). Fucking lordy lord. I thought I was gonna have a seizure. I really should not have gone while I was yearning as badly as I am.
If I had gotten that card reading and you had been single, I wouldn't even think twice. I'd go straight to your house (with or without our friends) and fucking tell you that I'm sorry I pretended that I didn't understand, when all I really wanted to say was “yes, I wanna be with you.” Sometimes, I even fantasized telling you. I really want to. I'm still scared af though.
But what good would it get me now? I lost. I missed my chance. There's no changing the past. There is nothing I can do now. At least not at the current moment. I'm not about to make this huge ass love confession knowing full well that you're already in love with someone else. I would really rather die.
So I hugged you goodbye in front of your house and tried (and failed) to keep it together till I get home. I MOSTLY kept it in. I had to get to somewhere so I just had a few minutes before I had to go again so I really didn't have time to fall apart or even get some sleep. So I multi tasked! I took a very quick shower while fully sobbing like an idiot. It was hilarious! Just imagine I was in the shower hurrying the fuck up because I'll be late. And I'm full on sobbing while taking the quickest shower.
This is so fucked up. This whole ass situation is so fucked up. Why do I even torture myself like this?
Anyway, I probably won't even see you in another month or two. We'll all be busy and it's not like I can just invite you out. I don't trust myself to be alone with you.(Oh, how the tables have turned.)
Hopefully, by the next time I see you next, it won't be as bad. I surely would still have feelings for you. And for sure, I'd still be waiting and hoping for another chance. I don't think that will stop any time soon or if it will stop at all. But I just hope it fades enough for it to be barrable again.
PS: I'm sorry I forgot to bring the Rubik's cube you wanted to borrow. I'll buy you one and have it sent to you.
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