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It's hard to describe my point of view to people who were never in my position. Imagine staring in a mirror and seeing yourself there. Although there's only one physical body you see another one of you. There's you and your reflection. For well aligned people, this reflection is congruent to their productive and outward self. For those less fortunate like me, I don't know what I see in my reflection.
Lately, I can't handle the stress and I'm trying to retain the little control I have left. In my heart, I want to stay alive and be free but there's so many different versions of myself that I can't always be in control. There are some sides of me that are incredibly loving, supporting, even to the point of being childish. Other parts of me are more harsh, logical, and absolute. This part values honor, pride, and dignity. They balance who I am but sometimes what keeps me in balance can also lead me into tailspins. The absolute part of me said that I won't make it past 2017. This side of me arranged milestones and unfortunately suicide is a part of this path.
I hoped that I wouldn't be successful but I don't have control. I've been able to hit every milestone so far and the closer and closer I am to nearing the end the more sure I am that it is going to come.
I'm alive for now but let's hope that side of me changes their mind. They can be very stubborn sometimes.
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