Sleepless night thoughts

This is going to be a thread for myself because I find myself easier to sort my thoughts by writing. I may not be good at it, I just want to vent everything to make myself feel at ease.

Today (05/07/2024)

I started a X (formerly Twitter) space as per request of my friend and also because I wanted to, I do that as my temporary outlet whenever I feel stressed. I got to talk to a few people, for the context I am using an Alter account, some of theme already knew me personally and mostly are already my friends. We were having fun not until we got to speak with this person who I didn't know he was a friend of my ex date, I understand their relationship and all, he have a strong personality and I got it, that's okay. For me as a person who's easily to get overwhelmed, as much as possible I can adjust but for an unfortunate sudden emotional urge when he mentioned a name of a person who I already cut me off from his life completely, I can't. He was lowkey throwing shade on me, I appreciate my ex-date, he was the only person saw me cry and vent out about every problem I have and he might not know me whole but I appreciate his presence and his efforts. I am gay. I know he did his best and I felt the genuine love from him, it was about me and it was never been about him, I was selfish to break from him because I can't provide him anything and he was there always giving efforts and willingness, in exchange of my love. I find it unfair sa part n'ya na s'ya nalang ba palagi ang mag bibigay? Hindi ba dapat give and take? Bakit hindi ako makapag give din? emotionally and material. I felt so bad that I wanted to give him something genuine but I just can't, I was so overwhelmed of the things he did just for me. But part of me was saying, all I did was just to be honest and I did it for him, I was so selfish and decisive sa part na yon, but because I told to myself na he deserve better, I can't see myself being together with him loving each other romantically, but I can see myself being a friend. I cried the night I broke up with him, he totally cut me off and blocked me from all of his social. I was so immature that moment but still I wish him the best and I hope he find someone who can give him the love he really deserve. Then I can be just the far away one sided friend who is supporting him from afar. You take care always, BJ.