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I'm tired. I came to the realization that nothing I do will be enough. No matter how hard I try to keep this family together, or to at least keep my relationship with them. It won't matter, because something will happen, and I'm back at square one. And all those dreams of moving out and living on my own, with a cat and a ferret, and working at a library or something calm. It doesn't matter, because it won't happen. And writing a book...or making clothes, or finding someone that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Will never happen. I have no talent or an idea, a realistic idea, of what I want in life. I finally want to live, and I have no clue what I want to do with it. The idea of getting a job seems so stupid, because it seems impossible to actually get one. And getting a house or at least an apartment is so pricey, I might as well stay in this hellhole of a house with my family.
And... I will never get to see Olive again. My goose, who I have watched grow up, who we have had since I was a child, who was with us while we moved across states. She is gone, and I will never get to see her again.
So much goes wrong, and no matter how much better I get, it never gets easier.
sø
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Cost of everything is terrible. When you're not rich you can't really do anything. Jobs don't pay enough. And they're strict about attending. Idk. But you can get on your own. Maybe find someone or even a roommate to help out with rent or whatever. I lived on my own before. Did not take very good care of myself. Always ate ramen. Got high blood pressure. Drank cheap cheap beer everyday. Idk. Then moving in my girlfriend just made things worse. She had a 8yr old dog that wasn't potty trained. She would just let it do whatever. I told her to turn off a space heater so many times and she never did. I kept telling her the place could catch on fire and our pets would be dead. She didn't care. She liked putting paper stuff on top of the oven. We broke up. I had to force myself to cry for her. I have problems crying around people. Squeezed out like 2 tears....lol.... Then she left. I was kinda happy about it. She also was tried being a man just because I did things like cook and clean. You date someone who acts one way and then change drastically it's like no thanks. She big time turned off a few times. Didn't wanna have sex with her. She didn't like to bathe daily. So like I wasn't that hurt about it. She was my longest relationship too. Which ain't very long. Then I had one more relationship but I ruined that by getting fucked up too much. She liked to escalate every problem. I told her not to escalate things. But she had to Everytime. It was long distance and she couldn't drive so I'm kinda glad that ended too. Trying to meet someone just feels like a waste of time anymore to me. My dad keeps trying to push some kind of point that I need a man... No I don't need a man. I don't need someone to drag me into a firey pit. Im good. Tried twice and I didnt like any of it. I regretted the hand job I have to one guy. It grosses me out. He wanted me to do oral and I told no. It was boring. Idk how the fuck to do that shit. It felt nasty to me. Then I had sex with a guy and he didn't know wtf he was doing at all. So I got up and left and never talked to him again. Then people in that friend group hated me for it and I don't give a ratsass about them. They kept trying to tell me how gay was wrong n shit. Lol welp, still a lesbian. Ain't into dick at all. Don't get emotionally attached to men at all. It don't bother me to stop talking to them. Acting feminine feels weird as fuck too like being completely fake. I have better sex with women. It feels right to me. It pisses me off my dad tries steering me in a direction I'm not going. He tried to set me up with some dude at a vape shop they go to. Dude tried asking me out and I just wanted to buy some juice. It was awkward. Then I started going to another vape shop. Idk. Then when I was still working the guy in the supply room musta tried setting me up with guys. I hated that shit. I just wouldn't say anything. Then when I worked at the scrap yard they tried to tell me it was ok to sexually harassed by the public. I said fuck that and never went back. Then there's always certain guys that have to treat me like shit cuz I'm strong. They get so mad when a woman is doing mans work so they get shitty with me. It's fucking dumb dude. All guys outside my family that ever talk to me there's always a problem. It's like some get offended by me rejecting them. Yeah I'm not a easy fat white bitch that needs dick so bad or something. I tell them I'm a lesbian. And their facial expressions get all fucked up. Had a guy tell me I'm a waste cuz Im les. Idk shits stupid. I'm glad I got fatter cuz guys leave me alone more.
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