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Can we talk about the fact that growing up without having boys gazes on you can create some kind of "I am unlovable" feeling ?
When I was younger, I was overweight and didn't wear flattering outfits. Nobody saw me. I was invisible trough eyes, boys's eyes. The only love I was feeling was toward boy friends that I knew would never love me back. I was conforting myself into the idea that "nobody would ever love me"...
Now I'm twenty one and I have that impression that I'm not capable of love. When people show me interest, I feel numb and ... scared. "Why me ?" is the only question that would stays on my mind. But there was an exception ...
A year ago, I met a really kind guy. He was so funny, respectfull, handsome (in my eyes) and we had that great connexion. I was seeing him like a friend but I knew something else was there (feminine intuition yk) but how could I knwo if he was liking me back ? So, I never said anything and we continued spending time together. We even went out a night with a friend of him that I knew (for a party) but - even if his friend was there - there were little signs like eyes contact with a smile, holding hands (sorry man, you were third wheel for sure). Deep inside, I was feeling it. Did he felt it too ? Maybe ... At the end of the night, his mom came and took the two of us at his house (it was awkawrd as f*ck). And I had the impression that the string between us were slowly desepearing. I was so stressed and feeling awkward. When he showed me his room to sleep I didn't know what to say ... So I simply asked him the bathroom to change. When I came back, he was playing on his phone and he had a cold gaze. Maybe he wanted more ? (but we were just friend, right ?) We slept side by side, in his bed and that's it. The morning after, we kissed goodbye one the cheeks and I haven't saw him for a while.
During almost six months I had no messages. I was worried. I even sent him a "happy new year. I hope your life is good" text wich I never received any reply. I didn't understand ... But you know what they say : "No news, there is another girl". Of course there was.
I continued my routine and I couldn't forget about him (girl, seriously ? Yes yes). And, as if the Univers heard me, I received THE famous message explaining that he met a girl. He deeply fell in love. She asked him to block "all" his girl friends and to not message me anymore. For love, he did. He apologized to me. Saying that - nom - he now what he lost. Well, short things short. We discuss things and we we don't talk anymore (I can't forget about him. Where is my self worth ? Don't ask me).
And, after all, here we are again. I have this strong believes that - even if I am patient and I try my best - I can't be loved. I just don't understand what is my problem ... I had the prove that I can love. But maybe I don't love myself enough ...
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