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diaries from a chronically depressed teenage girl #1
3 months ago · 2 · If Life Is Worth Living, +4 · Explicit
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i don't know why i live anymore. im 16, 5'5 and 115 pounds or so. might be more. probably am. i was born into a family of a negligent mother and a drunk alcoholics father. im so horribly mentally ill and so depressed. i have no friends. i stay up until 4 am and sleep until the afternoon. i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. im also ugly. so very ugly. i have a big nose and a round face. ive only been asked out once.
i have a problem with emotional eating because of my depression. i wish i had the depression where i have no apetite. i wish i could just have a fast metabolism. at least girls with fast metabolisms can eat as much as they want and still be pretty. complain as much as you want, i dont care. at least you dont have to starve. i have to starve to look like you. youre the beauty standard. i will always be fat and ugly. im disgusting. im a fucking pig.
being a woman is the most god awful thing imaginable. for the rest of my fucking life im going to have stomach fat around my abdomen. im going to bleed for a week straight every single fucking month. what the fuck is the benefit of that? at least tall men will always be treated superiorly. will get to have any girl they want. theyll always be taken seriously. theyll get to eat anything they want. they get muscles easier. theyll always be attractive. theyll never be lonely. why cant i be a tall man? i hate being a woman.
two of my chargers broke today. it doesnt seem like much at all, but they both broke the exact same way and literally fucking nothing is going right for me. both my phone and my laptop are going to die and im not going to be able to distract myself anymore. at one point, i had 20 hours of screentime a day. not one good thing has happened for me today. i have only talked to my mom twice im so fucking lonely i just want to be skinny god please i just want to have a flat stomach and small arms and legs why do i have to be the one to do workouts why cant i have a fast metabolism what did i do wrong god ive always believed in you so why do you fucking hate me so badly?????????????? why do i have to binge and starve and count calories//??? i dont wnat to workout i just want to livethe rest of my stupid sad unworthy life. im done. whatevers left of my life isnt worth living
if god was real, i wouldnt be the unluckiest girl alive.
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I was told I was attractive boy and young man growing up, but nobody wanted me. I worked out, tried to learn many topics, but I was too short for most women. It was after nearly 30 years is when someone was actually interested (of course she said she agreed because I was slightly taller than her). I learned the hard way that our paths are set for us. We are free to think and feel, but the amusement park ride called life is locked in. It does not get easier over time, it just gets harder to tell the days apart. All I have to look forward to is working until I am no longer employable, and my life expectancy is 65 (already half-way through my journey, all before retirement).
ReplyIt’s true that some of us are dealt a cruel blow at birth. Already genetics has mapped out what society will think of us based on gender, skin, size & shape. I don’t know if this will ever be fixed. That’s how nature designed things to be, or god if you believe in intelligent design. Any way you look at it, there will be those who are lucky and those who are unlucky.
If you are an unlucky one, I think the best thing is to create an artificial appearance. It could be clothes & makeup, or it could be an online personality with filters and photoshop. That doesn’t solve anything but it might add a little confidence. I’m an ugly moster irl but I have social media accounts where I look hot af. It keeps me going some days. I guess my point is we got dealt a lousy hand, but we can cheat at the game. It’s not like you win any prize for suffering with reality.
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