Am I the problem

How it was before.

I have never had a proper group friends in school. I was close with my cousins but I always felt a little left out there as well.

College.

Once college started and we went to classes in only 4th semester (COVID batch), I thought I'll have this really big group of friends. I kinda did (MISTAKE 1). I was closer to a few more than the others but I suppose that's how it works. Slowly, most of them went their separate ways and I ended up with a intimate set of friends. We were always together but I never felt my best with them. I never felt satisfied. I think I wanted more. I tried to make more friends (MISTAKE 2) which irritated these people. Maybe it was my mistake that this small group also split but back then I did what I thought would be good for me. The new friendships I tried to build were all worse and I realized the old group was much better. By now my mistakes doubled and I had no where to go. Wherever I went, I felt alone. I felt as though it was never enough. I wanted to give up. But I was more scared of ending up alone. I wish I was alone, but I couldn't go through with it. I tried to fix all those problems (MISTAKE 3). I think some things are better left alone. And I am one such thing. Me feeling the most important to someone and then finally feeling free but then figuring out I wasn't the only one started killing my happiness slowly. I couldn't take it. I wanted to be loved but I think I was the problem. One guy came up to me and said he loved me, romantically, but I felt nothing. Whenever someone actually loves me, I don't like them back that way. But the ones I give my all, they screw me over. What is the problem with me? How should I approach friendships? How should I stay happy? When will it be enough? When will I be enough?

I feel like I am destined to be alone. More like I feel alone and I want to be that way. I want to be satisfied with myself. I don't want to expect anything from anyone be happy with the little things in life. But I'm not able to do it. I always end up wanting people and ending up disappointed.

How do I achieve being happy with just myself?