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I think i belong in the crazy house
1 month ago · 0 · Explicit
46
I don't want people to be scared of me. But I don't blame them for it. It's not a good thing. I told my parents idk how many times that I need to go into a group home or something. I really feel like I should. Or In a padded room somewhere I guess. Life isn't worth living with this disorder. For me anyways. And I have a friend whose schizo. I try to help them but they don't want to come to terms about having this illness. He told me something that he knew was going on. So I tried to help them through it and they're pissed off now because I gave them a reality check. I see how scary having this is. I can't cure it. It's going to become worse and turn to alzheimers or whatever. I want to unalive. And the fact I have most likely stage 3 breast cancer really makes me wonder if I should even get the shit checked out or if I should ignore it more. Not sure what I should do. I think about my immediate family. They have pushed and pushed and pushed me to take better care of myself and how I should smoke less and all that. They don't get it though. How fucked up I feel. Have always felt. Now I'm branded being schizo and I just wanna go away. I always feel like people want me to go away. I don't even blame them. I'm a scary person. Since forever too. I was always the monster in elementary school. At first it hurt me then my friend just said they wanted to play a game. Then I'm the monster in the way community cuz no one wants to be with me anyways. Not driving two hours away anymore for something stupid. And I was the monster after overdosing and fucking myself up more. I feel like it had to happen though so I could get help. Got help and it's never enough. Been inpatient and it's always the same shit in there. They don't help my disorder. Probably cuz I need like psychotherapy or something. I try to teach myself through the internet. But being a better person doesn't mean my reputation is any better. Doesn't make the illness go away. Doesn't mean I'm right with God. How to end my life and expect hell afterwards. Idk. I get tired of feeling this way. It's very pessimistic but I'm constantly reminded of it. I regret being here.
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