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I'm not sure exactly why I'm surprised. I knew he settled for me from the beginning. From the actions taken at the beginning, I was shown I wasn't enough, yet I stayed. I loved him. We met in our 20s; maybe he was too young to know what real love was.
Maybe it was the slight age difference? Maybe he wasn't ready? Maybe this was never meant to be.
Years later, I thought we had sped past all those things. I thought I could ignore my feelings of doubt, my fears of not being enough, but I couldn't.
Everywhere we went i always wondered , unconfortable in my own skin ....IS she prettier ? Is his mind wandering ? I wish i was what he lusted for.
More years go by we finally start to heal ,we have 2 beautiful babies 2 years apart and things take off for us... my confidence improving we launch our own business ....
things took off pretty fast we came across money we had never had before , TOGETHER, WE BUILT THIS.
then things changed !
Im not sure what ,but it was absolutly noticable its like we had reevertd to the old us the old habits that we had to hard tried to change.
I have always been completly open about my feelings, hes the opposite, maybe that was the problem , maybe i said too much, maybe what i had to say started to fall on deaf ears.
Either way the more i expressed my feeling the lonelier and more hopeless i felt. Not only did he not care , he didnt agree even when he claimed he did actions showed otherwise.
I did the unthinkable , and after years of arguments and daily chaos i started entertaining someone else , online though it doesnt make it better.
HE found out & returned the favor not once twice but 3x, one being a close family friend. but his was physical.He still denies it but based on their history the lies he told and his map history , he spent alot of time over there. There is no trust and love is hangin by a string. Icant move on because i dont believe we are moving forward in truth. SO im broken , sad , mad, & live with regret DAILY, this is all y fault and i cant change it. No matter how much he wants to fix it .... i dont think i can ever really know the truth.
Maybe this is it... maybe this is my karma. No, i know this is my karma.
Ive lost it all !
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