im just an angsty teen

idek where to start. theres just so much on my mind lately. lets start from the surface level thoughts before i start turning myself inside out and trying to diagnose myself (someone diagnose me before i go insane).

#1. someone explain to me why im so obsessed with haobin LMFAOO? its literally unhealthy atp. i never ever ship real life people but haobin is so real. im convinced its real. nobody can tell me otherwise. next!

#2. its summer right now. schools is drawing nearer. i can feel the stress it will bring. this next year will be one of the hardest ever. i will be so so busy. i have so much to do, so much to prepare for. but right now, i cant bring myself to do any of that. in my mind, im beating myself up because i know that i should be starting to prepare for it. i know ill regret it later on. but i cant bring myself to start. im just rotting on my phone and i really really hate myself for it. someone help me.

#3. my mom and i are so similar; always letting our emotions get to the best of us. its tiring to be around her, but then i remember that it's probably tiring to be around me too. i wish i wasn't so angry. i wish she wasn't so angry. i wish we both knew how to be emotionally mature enough to control ourselves. its hard to constantly walk on eggshells around her because she's always lashing out and ruining the mood for everyone. she's created so much messy and hurtful memories. even when shes nice to me, sometimes all i can think about are those moments. that being said, when shes happy, im happy. i love my mom still no matter what.

#4. all my friends are in relationships or have been in relationships and there's always something fun going on in their love lifes. i feel so, so behind. i've never seriously liked a boy before. it's always been a silly little crush because i found them attractive, but if i ever thought about doing anything past cuddling or holding hands, i would get so, so repulsed. i just wanted them to be my best friend tbh. i think its cuz i never recieved any male attention growing up that i just want a guy best friend to validate me. to let me know that i'm somewhat worthy of having a guy want me/want to be around me. does that make sense? i dont even know what i mean right now. i wish someone would like me. i wish i could like someone. im scared i'll never find someone to love, and i'm so scared. i know im still young, and everyone just says "you haven't found the right person yet" but what if i never find the right person. i want to be in a relationship, i want to hang out and be loved unconditionally, i want to be with a guy and just smile. but i dont think ill ever really want to do anything past that. and it scares me. its scary when all my friends tell me about how they kissed a boy and how "it was just in the moment" because what will i do when its my turn for the moment? i genuienly feel so inexperienced. and idek what im talking about anymore. i hope this somewhat made sense..

#5. what is the meaning of life. why am i alive. why am i trying so hard. what is it all for. sometimes ill be eating good food and then im just like, why do we put so much effort in cooking this food when it's just a basic neccessity to survive? there's no need for so much work to be put in when it doesn't last for more than a minute in my mouth. why am i living and what is the point of all of this.

#6. who am i? i always change my personality based on the person in front of me. im more quiet and reserved in front of my friends at school, and super outgoing and energetic in front of friends outside of school. im talkative with certain strangers, and go mute in front of some. ive tried several mbti and personality tests to try to figure out who i am. none of them really fit me because i think it just depends on who im around. i yearn for someone to bring out the real me i dont even know who the real me is anymore. i can't remember what i was like before i started changing my personality. this scares me. who am i??