Living a life with Narcissist

I never thought I'd see myself writing about this online. Sure I had diaries as a little girl but it got to the point where I need to share because I know I'm not alone. I will remain anonymous for a while for my own protection but I will share very real, very personal things that may be triggering and disturbing to other so proceed to read with caution.

My whole entire life I've been burdened with the experience of dealing and living with Narcissist that have controlled my life in so many ways and have taken advantage of my kindness. I guess you can say it's my weakness. It all starts with the home I grew up in and let me say that everyone always has their own stories but I witness things that are my own experience that has left me broken.

To keep a long story short, my mother and father met in the military, fell "in love" and accidentally had me. 3 years later they got divorced and went their separate ways. Ok things happen but I had to endure the domino aftermath. I was too young to comprehend what laid in store for me but I had to watch as the glass fell from the sky ceiling. I was and am a very visual and observative person so clearly it was hard for me to not watch.

People always think or say "Stop feeling bad for yourself and move on". I don't even have to say what comes next because everyone knows, emotional trauma is not as simple as throwing your out-grown favorite jeans away. Things that really hurt tend to stick no matter how much therapeutical glue remover you try to use. When it gets to that point everyone, and I mean EVERYONE has a person, animal, or object that will truthfully lift their soul and make them unconditionally happy and healthy. It doesn't matter the age or experience in life it's about the free feeling you get having this one thing in your life.

My spirit has been broken over and over again due to selfish narcissistic behavior from every person that should not be in my life and yet I still can't get rid of some due to certain survival circumstances.

Let's start with my mother. She, in my eyes was a smart, strong, exotic little lady and if that women was allowed to be herself from the beginning of her life, then she would be the idle I still look for today. BUUUTTTT...she was the worst mother on the planet.

Being a child I understood my mom worked a lot and went to nursing school at the same time to further her career. I knew her intentions were to follow her dream and be a nurse practitioner. I was so proud of her for that but never understood later why that success wasn't going to be shared with me. Let me tell you why.

After the divorce my mother focused mostly on herself. My grandmother always took care of me. She was basically my mother. Being a single family home just use to the 3 of us. My mom, grandma, and I were the only ones until her first boyfriend she introduce to me came into the picture. As a kid, He was amazing. He always played with me and cracked a lot of jokes. I was maybe around 4 years old so the memory is vague but there. Saw him maybe 2x and never saw him again. I never paid no mind I was too young.

Later on the same year she met my stepfather. When she introduced me I was in a trance again. He was funny and cute. I was 4 so don't judge me. As this was happening I never knew what was going on between my parents but I always knew who my father was. They finally split custody after a while but my mother was so controlling I was only allowed to live with her and visit my father every other weekend. That's when my memory glands started getting thicker to retain information permanently and after that....there's no turning back.

End of Session 1

Come back again to hear more.

Maybe my life story can help others in their situation in life and find reading this blog therapeutic knowing you are not alone. Posts will be made everyday. Stay tuned 💚