My Unsent Letter to The Boy I Once Knew When I Was Eight

I feel like it’s wrong for me to miss you. We barely knew each other, and yet…it felt like we had been through years together. I remember when we first met. I was outside playing in the driveway, I had just moved in. You had come up to me out of nowhere and scared me, because you were so excited to see a new kid. I was so shy as a kid, so I never talked much. But I didn’t need to because you talked enough for the both of us. You broke me out of my shell, making me escape from that house. It was scary, I was sure that it wouldn't last. I guess I was right. But it's okay. Because it was probably the most fun I had in a long time, even though you did make me upset and we never called each other friends. We were happy together.

Remember when we used to sneak into that forest area in front of our houses. How we would explore it and find hidden stuff. That we would vandalize the area because people were trying to buy it. Well...no one is buying it now. It's still there. Or when you convinced me to leave without telling my parents, and we went to your friend's house, and we hung out there. Or when we would just hang out with your brother or well sister? I’m not sure about what your sibling's gender is now, But we would hang out in their room or when they're able to, we would take a walk outside. They used to tease us about being lovebirds. We always detested such an idea because why would we even think about something like that, we were frenemies, after all.

What neither of you knew was that… I had a crush on you. It was so sudden, too. And it was a lot for me to handle. Since that same time, I had developed suicidal depression.

I’m so sorry, that I never told you. That I kept it hidden from both of you. I was so scared. We were so little, and you didn’t need to find out that someone that you were friends with was so…sad. I just couldn’t bare to let anyone in at the time. I was so scared. So… I pushed you away. Even though I desperately wanted to keep seeing you. I couldn’t. But please know, I never hated you. I never once actually thought I hated you. Maybe I was annoyed. But I could never hate you.

I miss you more than anything. Even all the friends I have lost over the years could never compare to how much I miss you. Maybe because I liked you. Or maybe because you were the first that tried so hard to see me. Even though you gave up once we started school, I want to believe that you still wanted to see me. I could be wrong, I actually know that I am wrong. That you never cared about me in any way like that. But, I want to be childish and pretend that…you liked me too.

So thank you.

Thank you for having been in my life. Even though we will never see each other again. Now that we are miles apart from each other, with no possible way of crossing paths again. Because… I had so much fun. And you made me feel wanted in a horrible world.

Please forget about me. So that at least one of us won’t be burdened with this feeling of longing for the other.

Sincerely, sø