Super long, but I’m in desperate need of support..

Fair warning, this a long and heavy read. Also, I’m so burnt out that I’m not sure this will make any sense…

If I were to give full context of the situation we would have to go back over a decade; so, here’s the condensed version…

• I (43F)  live with my husband (53M), and my mom (69F)

• We all have medical issues that greatly impact our lives

• My husband has a great job and mom and I are on disability 

• When my mom is less limited she helps with cleaning and cooking, but she has surgery like every 3 months, which puts LITERALLY everything on me

• My husband is diabetic, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, Parkinson’s, and anxiety

◦ He has back/hip/shoulder/knee problem that are so bad that he can’t bend even to tie his shoes. I take care of his diabetic foot needs, and most of the time put his socks on him 

Now for my medical history.. get comfy, you’ll be here a while. Here are my diagnoses

-Mental-

• Bipolar 2

• ADHD

• ASD

• BPD

• OCD

• Chronic persistent insomnia

-and, are you ready?

• FUCKING NARCOLEPSY (I didn’t know you could have both, but apparently I do 🤬

-Physical-

• Chiari Malformation (simplest explanation is that my skull is smaller than my brain, so my skull compresses it and causes some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt. Had surgery in 2012, but still get frequent headaches

• Fibromyalgia

• Malnourishment and vitamin deficiency

So, because mom and hubs have the severe limitations they do, I’m actually the most physically capable person in the home.

That means that almost everything falls on me… cooking; cleaning; shopping; errands; taking mom all over the DFW metroplex at least 1-2 times a week for appointments; all of the minor fixes around the house; caring for our 5 dogs, 2 cats, and to parakeets (we were in a MUCH better situation when we brought all of them into our family)… basically everything except for working, which will be changing next week when I start my new job.

I haven’t been able to prioritize anything for myself beyond staying as mentally and emotionally stable as is possible. I have no less than 5 separate issues that all require surgery according to specialists. Last year I fell in our bathroom and wound up fracturing my cheekbone and actually breaking a section of my eye socket. With the exception of imaging and pain meds at the ER, it was never looked at. I have a torn cartilage in my right ring finger from 6 months ago that is painful and makes it almost completely useless, and it’s literally never been looked at.

Also, I have to force myself to eat, even when the thought of eating makes me want to vomit, therefore I can’t stop losing weight. I’m about 20lbs underweight, and am so bony that any kind of pressure causes bruising. I’m genuinely afraid that I’ve reached to point of needing a feeding tube.

My fibromyalgia is usually manageable, but my main trigger is stress, so I’ve been in a flare for over a month. I live on the verge of being too overwhelmed to cope and function.

Also, I’m on probation for a categorically humiliating lack of reason and decision making ability.. so, that’s extra fun.

All of that is needed context for what’s going on right now. Because my mom is recovering from a spinal surgery that should’ve been done last year, she is almost completely limited physically. She is also showing early signs of dementia, which runs in the family.

Don’t come for me.. I love my mom completely. She and my dad were exactly what a kid needs.. present, supportive, respectful, nurturing, and a true safe space for me and my brother. But, that actually makes this so much worse.. I love my mom and am so grateful for her, but I’m so incapable of emotional regulation that every little thing she does sets me off. The sound and smell of her bubblegum makes me legitimately angry. I have no patience, even though it’s very warranted.

Normally I can take a day here or there to recharge, but I haven’t been able to for over a month. Now, I find that I’m not only resenting them and the situation, but am becoming bitter and angry; which kicks off the guilt and shame, and so the cycle goes.

I barely have any social support, except for my brother who lives 1500 miles away. He’s the only one that remotely gets it, but he works like 70 hours a week and is raising 3 of his 4 kids.

My husband and I have been together 14 years, married over 10. We’ve definitely had problems in the past, to the point that divorce loomed a couple of times. There was indifference where there used to be intimacy. Over the past couple of years I’ve been working really hard on being a better version of myself that I actually like, and our marriage has gotten so much better! Like, better than it has been in about 7-8 years.

However, with everything that I’m going through, I’m also starting to resent him, and feel taken for granted. I have a very hard time with setting boundaries and communicating needs, but we’re starting therapy next week, so that should help immensely.

All I want (and I literally ask it for my birthday gift) is to get a hotel room fora couple nights and only be contacted in a true emergency. Basically, 2 days of no unnecessary human interaction, and only doing something if *I* want to. I’m an introvert, and my battery is at 1%.

And, icing on the cake, I’m a recovering addict. I’ve been clean for 4 years, but lately have been having the strongest urges I’ve ever had, so l be going to meetings again as of this evening. My husband has stayed with me and supported me through 2 relapses, but it’s been made very clear that the next one is it.. divorce. And, honestly, I don’t blame him. I put the whole family through hell for years, and you can only give someone grace so many times.

TL;DR -

• I’m not really able to keep treading the proverbial water

• I don’t like who I am right now and hate almost everything about myself

• I’m so done that I have to medicate myself so that I don’t say something that will actually harm my relationships

• I truly have a great family, and I love them, but I’m so fucking overwhelmed and overstimulated that I resent being around them

• My life isn’t my own anymore

• My mental health is so bad that I don’t know how to cope with this. I’ve never felt this before.

Anyway, I don’t really have anybody in my life that I can safely confide all of this to; so, internet strangers it is!

If you’re still here, I’m truly grateful to you for letting me get all of this out before I boiled over.

I know ow this was a novel, but my life is a fucking dumpster fire in the middle of a riot happening during a natural disaster lol!

Anyway, thank you, and I hope for good things for you 🙏🥰