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This always pops in my head every time things get rough at school, or life in general. I think to myself how easy my life would have been if I was smart. Yung tipong I don’t have to study anything or spend my time na nag aaral kasi kahit anong gawin ko di ko pa din gets yung lesson. Yung tipong I would understand it immediately and be able to recognize it if I encountered it again. Yung tipong lagi akong first honour because of my grades. Yung tipong ma-popost ako ng nanay ko sa fb and lagi niyang pinagmamayabang na matalino anak niya.
I wish I was smart. Edi sana di ako nahihirapan ngayon. Edi sana masaya nanay ko kasi di na niya poproblemahin future ko because I probably would’ve decided it on my own. I would probably be taking up a program na mahirap and takes years to study, like Law or Medicine. She would be proud of me. She wouldn’t have to say anything kasi she sees that I’m smart. I would be her hope to become rich. She would like me more than how she likes me now, if she truly did like me.
I always feel guilty for not being the daughter she wanted me to be. I always think it’s my fault because I didn’t study enough, I didn’t try hard enough, I wasn’t good enough for her. Everytime she tells me na sana I was like this or like that, I truly hoped that she had someone else as her daughter. She would have her dream daughter and I would have my dream mom. Then we’ll be happy, even if it meant being separate; not present in each other’s life; did not exist at all in each other’s life.
When I think about how I wish I wasn’t her daughter, I’m serious about it, and I think my sister would’ve thought about it too. Mahirap maging anak ng nanay na walang ibang ginawa kundi iparamdam sayo na hindi ka enough, that you don’t live up to her expectations. Even if hindi araw-araw nagkakasagutan or nag-aaway, you’ll feel it because you resent her. Some days you get along with her, but most of the time she’s impossible to reason with.
Why do I have to do everything you say just because you think it’s good for me? Or that it will be good for me in the future? Why can’t I make my own decisions and face the consequences of my own actions? Why can’t I just be happy and act like my own age? Why am I too young for some things and considered old enough for other things? Why do I have to mature early and become an adult and not fully experience what it’s like to be a teenager? Why am I always controlled by you? Bakit sa ilang beses kong sabihin at ipaintindi sayo, hindi mo pa din ako pinakikinggan?
If only I was smart, then you would have treated me better. You would have been kinder to me. You would have loved me more. You would have understood me better. You would have liked me as your daughter. You would have wanted me as your daughter and not think that everyone else is better than me. I would have been the best thing that has ever happened to you.
But I’m not smart. I’m just me, and that’s not enough for you.
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