The Adaptation Of An Onion’s Journal - Note 2 - Silence

I sat on the sink in the toilet today and realized it’s been a long time since I’ve sat still somewhere and just . . . been. It’s been a long time since I’ve lay down on my slopping bed and existed in that tranquil state of mind. Thinking about nothing and everything at the same time.

Existing. I haven’t existed in . . . days? Is it days? Or Weeks? Or months? Or years even. I haven’t had a moment of time to myself in years, and what am I doing? Working? Living? What is living if I don’t take a break to myself? if I don’t live for myself? If I don’t breathe for just one moment.

All these questions, all these ruminating and questioning I’m doing now, it doesn’t mean I’ll go and have that moment of nothing I so so need, no. I’m not taking that moment even now, writing these thoughts down on my laptop, tying them out so I don’t have a breakdown.

The things in life have overwhelmed me and sucked the breath and energy out of me till I became them too. A thing that sucks you of all your free will. Your free will to be, breathe, and just . . . be.

I might be repeating my words now. I am repeating my words. But that’s just because I haven’t found the right thing to say to explain exactly what I’m feeling. Maybe I’m repeating ‘cause I want you to know just how much suffocation I feel.

Ah, yes. You don’t know, will never know. I don’t tell you so you will never know, I make sure you never know. Funny how all I write leads to you. Well, not all. Most of it. Some of it. I’m talking about you, yes. You Gray. You. My Jie-Jie, my Eonni, my sibling.

I wish to spare you of my dark, brooding thoughts, so you don’t think I have them because of you. You’re just a small factor in them. One of many. But that was before. Now you’re a big factor. I’ve been feeling that suffocation more and more these past few weeks since you went to the white place and back. There was so much to do and much to learn when we came back home.

Remember how I stayed up all those nights just to learn the new ropes of work? How my fingers hurt every time I swiped over the trackpad or typed on the keyboard? I was trying to learn fast and I did, in only a few weeks, so I could teach you when you got better.

But it was much harder than I thought. I realized I didn’t have the patience to teach anyone. And you suffered the brunt of it. Are, still suffering the brunt of it. I’m sorry Gray, that I assumed you would learn fast like me, that I make you write those horrible user reviews you despise so much. But you have to learn, for you, for me, for us. Sorry, but I’m also not sorry.

Sometimes, I don’t think you’re trying hard enough. But who am I to say that, think that? It’s just a thought then, I guess. Just a thought. Like everything in my life right now. All just a thought. Never said. Never done.

I know what to call it now, that moment I think about all the time. Silence. I need silence in my head, in my thoughts, and in my life. A moment of silence is all I’m asking for. So why is my life so cruel as to not give me the one thing I desperately want?