My Unsent Letter - To my Dad

I don't know what to think of you anymore. I don't know what you're actually like. I remember that you always seemed to love me when I was younger, even though you always fought with mom. It never occurred to me that you wouldn't just treat my mom that way. You've never been physically abusive, but the scars you left in my mom's mind and mine will never fade. I'm trying to convince myself that you still love me, and that all those months were you ignored me completely were just your own struggles. But even if they were, why would you hurt me? I trusted you. I thought that if we disagreed, you'd understand. I didn't know you'd hate me for that. And now, when it finally became convenient for you, you started to see me again. I was no longer invisible. And now you want to act the same way you did before everything. It might be easy for you, but I can only see a facade. Even if you're making an effort to change, I'm still anxious when I want to ask you for a favour. I'm still scared of saying what's on my mind, wondering if you'll cut me off and make my life hell. I can't love you anymore, dad. I tried. I really, really tried, but it's too scary. I don't know who you are. Maybe your childhood trauma changed you, but you could have been the one to break the cycle. I'll never forget some of the things you said to me when you were mad. And when you act like you love me, and you buy me things, I feel like I'm wrong for wanting this closure. I want an acknowledgement of those few months. I want to atleast know that you're sorry. I know your ego won't let you do it. I want to cry and yell and tell you how depressed and anxious you made me that year. But it won't be of any use. I'm scared I'll turn out like you, dad. With no conscience and emotionally absent. I'm grateful for everything you've done for me, but emotionally you haven't been a father to me in a long time. I'm sorry.