My heart seeks for a home

What is home? The idea seems alien to me. It has been too long since I felt that love, that feeling of belongingness. Every time my heart seeks for it, and I call up a friend, I am disappointed by their unavailability or indifference. Feels like too much to ask for eh? All of me cries. It feels almost cruel. I try and push towards looking at the brighter side. Constantly confused if what I am feeling is even valid or not. With no space for those feelings. Hence the tears. People dont like sad people right? AND DAMN, that is difficult. I was born poor. In a family of people who didnt know how to do anything. I do not exaggerate that when I say that. For 2 generations, my family earned almost nothing. Scavenging off what little was passed on to them and barely earning anything. Well there are a lots of poor people, but my family had bad souls. Not one ounce of reason, love, will, ambition, self respect or money. Except for my mom. She was the angel to my life. Her love, strength, smartness, courage, everything was magical. She gave me and my sister more than she could. Sacrificed herself for us. Shielded us more than she could. She was living for us. Struggling for us. She taught us well in a house full of wrongs. She made sure we got good education so that we stannd on our own. Unlike the scambags like my father, uncle, grandparents. It was tough. A constant feeling of lesser. Smallness. Inferior. No one. Poor. Compromising. That was what I was engraved with for 19 years. Because of her I got into the top college of India, IIT Bombay. I was the bright kid who would change everything. I was just a small biy from a small town from a bad background. And everyone would say me I have to change things that 2 generations had messed up. I took too much pressure and stress to be the best at college. With no direction and a weak mental strength. I went into clinical depression. I was a lively boy back when I was small. I would talk to everyone, I would dance, I would play a lot, I was happy despite having anything and desiring for anything. The problems at home, both financial and domestic made me quite. They call it 'mature'. I could not give anything importance apart from being able to earn. I was away from everyone. In depression. First time dealing with such emotions and at an insane intensity. I could not tell it to my mother or sister. I had to change things for better, and it would break them. Medicines, therapy, nothing worked. I could barely talk about it to my mother, when she was hospitlised. She suffered immensely for one month in hospital because of COVID and then she left me forever. Even in her deathbed, all she cared was for me and my sister and our happiness. How can a woman be so loving. She is a goddess. I went numb for months. Unable to grasp what had happened. Already in crumbling depression with insanely heavy college and my only person to call home was not with me anymore. That was it. I thought I would never feel any different. Just this. Depressed. Unable to function. Failing. I was 19. Thoughts of ending my life came a few times. Only stopped because it would crush my sister. I was very regular with medicines and therapy only to see it help nothing at all. 2 years of that. Then I found someone. Someone who loved me. Someone who I loved. My home. I was still not in a good health. But she made me feel at peace. For a year. I worked a lot on myself. Healthy practices, being consistent, doing more than I could. She left me for another guy. It broke me. Again. I was without a home. A space for myself. I kept working on my health. I defeated depression. I felt better. I didnt feel like it but I danced and played in college. After extreme struggle, managed to score well. And things are better now. But I am alone, no one to appreciate me for what I do. Its all meaningless. Who am I living for? What am I living for? Most my close friends have drifted apart. I tried and failed at finding love again. I am afraid I might fall back into depression. My heart cries. It seeks for a home.