justice of two love birds killed by death's same stone

This is tribute to both my amazing and loving grandparents who passed in the most unfair way possible.

My grandpa was named Moses, he was a teacher and a church pastor. He was the most down to earth man and the kindest soul ever described to me since I never got to meet him. I've learned he was loved with respect and admiration by people around him especially to the kids who enjoyed his baseball coaching. They would even call him just to play during weekends. He was kind but the world might be too, he was diagnosed with cancer. He suffered fighting liver cancer yet he never complained like any usual patient described on the hospital he was brought in. Even though in his last moments with a song and with the fear of dying he never shed a tear and reassured a peaceful rest with a smile.

I wear a ribbon in awareness which is emerald green. I may never got to see you grandpa but you're one amazing soul to die happy despite the pain. I love you.

And to my amazing and my closest family member like a friend who is my grandma named Ruth which I use the nickname "mama". Since my parents were young and busy I was left under her care and I had the best yet unique childhood ever.

She died through stroke and I had to watch her in pain and it really pained me to see you try and communicate despite the slurred speech.

I still regret her death and see and hear her often. Cause I didn't even get to see her and say goodbye when I had the chance. You were the first person that tried to save me despite drowning in my own head with depression. I was in the bathroom with a knife trying to slit my wrist and neck off. I was just a kid. I remember you begging to open the up the door. While suffering such a painful experience you were there yet I wasn't there when you need me. You were bedridden and brought under care around the time covid even started. I was happy I could finally take a break wishing the world would stop but at what cost? February 20 - 22 I was there but the moment I had a relapse you passed before I got to even reach you. What pains me more as I cried in the dark alone in the car the song "Fourth of July" by Sufjan Stevens played. I cursed myself to the point I may have wished I were never born at all and it should have been me instead.

The truth is mama I suffered much is caused I was confused between what I want or things I should have if I deserve it or not. I wanted to tell you the truth what happened before I got to go in the bathroom after school. The thing is despite being raised a good and intelligent boy and growing up a loving yet conservative christian home, I was told and taught to be truthful and honest. I cared and loved things deeply but different. I also like boys with preference cause I feel like it's what I want yet I don't know if it's good or bad enough to let me be damned. I should have explained in such amazing detail like the way I described things wanting to help people by either being a doctor or some fireman. I love you I'm sorry it's too late but I choose to live for you not out of obligation or regret but as a thank you for being such a loving soul. I hope you can forgive and accept me as I am but I cannot change. I do good not because I fear punishment or the diabolic depths of inferno but because I can and choose to out of freewill.

I hold on to the red ribbon or string that keeps me to carry on forward.

I realized I should love myself before I try fixing things that deserve love too. I am close to being blind physically but I see hope in the dark. My love for you gives me the sense of justice despite life being cruel. I see change to those who seemed doomed and I choose to live wise and kind in return for the dead and wicked. I learn to save myself and therefore I live life of redemption and purpose even if no one will see it. I choose to hide and rebel against what my gut feels before thinking that morality is just two sides of one coin. A spectrum, it's neither good or bad but to the one who deserve it. Fight evil with evil, you ain't a bad person just protecting what you see is good. Be bad for good not the other way around. Learn to live life to feel not just to look good. You'll enjoy both of you do it this way. People may forget like goldfish with under a 10 second memory but we learn and experience new things that way may deserve yet.

This is all I got to say and I have hope of what is lost and not to be disappointed but see it as good and slow progress. See life as good to performing through enjoyment without an audience and not pretend to a crowd who doesn't see right through you. You'll be fine.