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I'm not one to open up but I feel like i'll lose my mind if I don't. For this year I've felt like an empty husk, I don't recognise the hollow person I've become. Well I did jinx this on new years when I told my friends 'this year would be my year' its my favourite optimistic cliché. However, I have been struggling with my past mostly, even if I fill my mind with empty hobbies it still pops into my mind like a parasite. This has been on and off for years but its become less ignorable now. I feel as if I've been doomed from when I was young. No one knows what happened in my past, well except a close friend but only a percentile of it, none of my family has the slightest clue.
I have exams this year, I cant afford to mess them up as I did my previous albeit less important ones. the whole of this year I've felt as if I am just going through the motions not experiencing anything truly, even when my friend took me on holiday for the most part I felt painstakingly depressed, in Paris of all places. I miss how life used to feel, how I yearned for new experiences and didn't try to escape my problems. Although even if I get past this I'd have a lingering doubt about it being a permanent fix because my past is always there which coupled with shame and self loathing makes for a miserable existence. I can't help feeling everyone is so sick of me especially my family, just a burden to be around and although I hate to admit it I'm extremely emotional volatile, not around others, I'm quite the opposite but when I have a quiet moment sometimes I'll get shaky and cry till I dry retch, it's certainly harder to be alone but at the same time I want to be left alone. On the contrary sometimes I don't cry for months and feel numb.
Even though my relationship with my family at the moment isn't great as I'm constantly ignored, told to be quiet like my opinion doesn't matter, treated like a doormat. I know they love me. I've just never felt more alone in my life. Even when surrounded by all those who claim to give a shit. My friends don't bother but have time to hang out with other friends except my best friend who I don't know what I'd do without, we had only argued once in high school at break , but we sat next to each other in lesson and when it came we tried to ignore one another but ended up laughing our asses off because of how absurd it was five minutes in, I never reflected on this until years later but in that argument she never made fun of my appearance( I was built like a bowling ball in hs.) and it was always other peoples go to in an argument even my family.
I also feel stupid all the time, even though I'm a language student my mom feels the need to explain words to me and my brother acts as if he is better than me as he's more academically inclined. Christ, It makes me feel as if I'm some deformed Neanderthal.
apologies for how long winded this was, I just want to be able to study without being tormented by what shouldn't of happened in the past and over analysing it all I mean if there is a God he sure as shit hates me. Any advice is appreciated.
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