Eldest daughter and a mum.

- MENTIONS OF SH SCARS AND PANIC ATTACKS -

We grew up together, I had to watch you go through some awful shit but I also got to watch you mature and grow. Because of the damage you surrounded yourself with, I had to learn to mature too, to be the one to step up when you couldn't so that when you eventually had my two other siblings, I could ensure they wouldn't have to cope with all the resposibility I did. But yet overtime, as life has progressed, you have shown me time and time again that these ways haven't changed and won't ever - most likely. Mum, you are a kind person and I know life hasn't been easy for you, and I'm happy for you at how much you've brighten up. But one thing that I will say you still fail at, is making me WANT to be around you.

For reasons I cannot explain (as I simply can't remember any of my younger childhood), I've grown to dislike being around my mum. It's like her presence annoys me, when she goes to hug me I hate it because she acts all childish and giddy, she just invites herself into my room or how she always uses my stuff and even if I know denies it, even personal stuff. How she tells me I can tell her about anything but god forbid its about her, otherwise I'm calling her a shit parent. I get told off by my mum if I forget something as if I'm not a human being, mum how many things have you forgotten? How many times you've owed me money that I choose to forget about because you bring in money issues or all of my thigns you've used until they go and promise to buy for me that seem to have never shown?

I don't think you realise mum how much you actually NEED me, who would look after your kids for you whilst you slept over at your boyfriends house, or when you go out with your friends? Because we both know you can't pay for a babysitter right now and yet you still choose to threaten me about it everytime my sister or brother says they don't like me looking after them because I didn't give them ever fucking thing they wanted. You act like I don't cook meals, dress them, wash them, put them to bed, clean the house all for hours (and sometimes overnight) almost everyday. But I do nothing, don't I mum?

How come out of all three of us I'm left? My brother, your only boy, babied all the time, he is seven. To some that may seem still young, but I can tell you this boy doesn't know how to pour himself juice because he's so used to my mum doing everything for him and my younger sister. At her second year of high school and she's only just managing to tie her laces and clean after herself. She gets away with EVERYTHING and my mum says nothing, she says awful things to all of us when shes mad and told off. I remember my sister said some nasty things on messgae to her friends, my mum told her off and grounded her for a day, didn't take anything off of her or stop her from playing out. Once upon a time ago I did a similar thing to my friend and I was rightfully grounded for almost two weeks and stripped from any source of entertainment I could have and I wasn't allowed to play out with my friends at all. Make it make sense. When I was growing up, my mum taught me how to do almost every chore, how to use my manners and clean up after myself, to be respectful and mature around adults and I was taught that when I did something wrong I got a proper telling off.

A part of my believes that my mum is this leinient with my brother and sister because they are close to her and want to spend time with her (only if she is getting them something to be honest) and I am distant to my mum. I have such valid reasons, like how she let a man yell at me, giving me my first and worst ever panic attack, she even smiled at me whilst this man shouted all sort of cruel names in my face, her excuse was she didn't realise and thought I was being silly, how many panic attacks have you had mum? Do you want to know what that was all about, because when me and my mum had an argement before I got up to leave the room and as i wlaked past her she shoved me into a wall and accused me of squaring up to her. Despite my feelings towards my mum I can't imagine ever trying to threaten or hurt her. Do you also remember when you made me roll my sleeves up and let you take pictures of my arms for my dad to see, despite how many times I told you I was uncomfortable with it? Remember when you forced me to join a family fitness club I didn't want to go to and since it was my dad's day and you proceeded to hit thngs around me and shout at me for being ungrateful becuase I wanted to miss the class and see my dad? Remember when I found you sending my dad pictures of my diary entries and denying it when I showed you proof I knew?

I could go on and on mum, and I can believe that the things I don't remember would also include how I felt betrayed and upset by you and others in my life. You always tell us that respect works both ways but you can disrespect me and I can't back? And to never talk back or raise my voice to adults and yet its the only way I am heard by you.