Insights

I'm in my second romantic relationship. It's still in the early stages, but I know my boyfriend and I really like each other, and we have fun together. I can't help but notice that since I have been dating my new boyfriend, I have been getting insights about my first romantic relationship and even about myself.

My first relationship, I'm realizing, was asynchronous in its progression. It moved too slow in some ways and too fast in others. My ex-boyfriend was the first to say "I love you"... after one month of dating (I realize now that was way too soon, even though we had been friends before we starting dating); it would be after a year of dating before we had our first kiss. The verbal affection started long before the physical affection did. The physical affection part, I'm embarrassed to admit this, was a significant reason why my ex and I broke up (though not the only reason); we didn't have the insight to understand the role physical intimacy should have in our relationship. I'm also realizing that, while our relationship was not abusive, it wasn't always healthy, especially on my part. Towards my ex-boyfriend, my attraction was intense and and my attachment to him was not healthy; I idealized him and our relationship, and I felt like he was my one and only chance for true love, even going so far as to believe that he was the other half of my soul or "twin flame". I will say that I had good times with my ex, but the relationship was not perfect and was unhealthier than it appeared. I had a lot of unresolved psychological issues such as being uncomfortable with my sexuality, emotional problems, and a need for approval. I know I made some mistakes in that relationship, yet I don't regret being in it. I've grown so much as a person since those days, and I wouldn't have the insights I have about myself and life if I hadn't gone through that. With that said, regretting my past relationship would be the same as regretting being the person I am now.

So, how does my current relationship compare with my first one? I am attracted to my current boyfriend, but my feelings are calmer, more subdued, and more realistic. The progression is not only synchronous, but gradual. We've been dating for a few months, and we had our first kiss a few days ago. We haven't said "I love you" yet, but that will come later; it will be said when we know we both mean it. I'm more comfortable with my sexuality, so physical affection comes more easily without it being excessive. I have better emotional regulation skills. My attachment to him is still developing, but it's gradually becoming more secure. I want to make sure I love him as a person and not as an idea. I don't think of him as my "twin flame" (because twin flames exist only in fantasy and romantic fiction, not reality), but as a man I have been seeing for whom I have affection. It's too early to say what the future holds, but I am hoping for the best.