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My emotions
7 years ago · 2
778
I've loved and I've lost. I seem to never win at love except when it comes to loving the little things in life. I've never really been loved by someone besides my family and It honestly makes me feel empty inside. I don't have anyone I can share my real feelings with. My parents think I'm weird because they think I don't have any emotions. I do, I just rarely show them because I'm scared of how people will react to them. I mean, sure I've laughed and acted like something is funny. But I rarely get that real laugh where you actually start crying. I'm not emotion deficient. I just don't show them because I don't know how I guess. I have always been the guy that everybody thinks is always happy. I'm not tho. I'm hardly ever happy. I don't even know exactly what happiness is supposed to feel like. I hear about how people are happy and excited for stuff, but I don't know how to be. I have always been this way. I feel like I'm the only one. I don't ever think I will have true happiness in my life. I have too much needless information on my mind and I think it has just taken all the places that my love and spiritual feelings should be. I think too much and don't just go with the flow and live my life. Everything has to be planned out for some reason. I don't ever do risky adventures because I haven't been in the scenario to do any. I tell everyone that I'm the adventurous and crazy guy that everybody loves, but honestly, I feel like nobody really loves me. I haven't ever felt the way that people describe love feels like. Yeah, I have had the butterflies and my heart starts beating faster, but I want to really know how it feels to love someone with all my heart and wouldn't be able to live without someone. I want the kind of love where if I'm not with her, I miss her touch and kiss and just want her near me. I want her to feel the same way about me. I have never felt this way and I don't think I ever will. I just think too much.... I need to stop thinking so much and actually live life. Love more than just the little things. Do more than what I'm doing. Love what I am doing at every moment. I want to be with someone forever and not ever go through a day where I feel like we won't work out. I just want to love someone and have someone love me back. The whole emotion thing just isn't me. When I say I'm in my feelings, I'm actually just thinking of what it would be like to have feelings. I'm weird, awkward, and I feel like I can be funny sometimes.. I'm just scared to show it. I used to care about someone a lot, and I feel like it was the closest thing to love that I will ever have. And honestly I care about YOU a lot more than I did her. But I'm not sure if it's love. I don't know what it is supposed to feel like. I haven't ever experienced it that I know of. Call me a freak of nature if you want, but I just don't know why I am the way I am. I'm intelligent and crazy philosophical, but philosophy doesn't tell me anything about how to have emotions. I just want to be the kind of person that can say I actually love someone and want to spend the rest of my life with you. I feel like I could, I just don't know if you feel the same way I do. I care about you so much and I can honestly say that I want to be with you for as long as I live, but I don't want to tell you that because you will think I'm weird and taking things way too fast. Then again, love is weird to me.... The same way that I'm weird to other people. They don't understand me the same way I don't understand love. I know what it is, I just haven't been in it. I think it's just because I don't trust anyone. I think it's because every time I tell someone I like them a lot, they don't believe me and end up screwing with me in the end. Maybe I have felt emotion this whole time and didn't realize it. Maybe I did love someone at some point but when they screwed me, it just put up a firewall in my brain to block out love completely. But I want someone to break down that wall. I want someone that wants to try and make me love them. I want someone that wants to love me. Even if they don't think I will ever break, I want them to push me until I do Because I can only stand so much. I know that if I have that person that actually acts interested and wants to be with me for who I am and who I want to be, then I will instantly try to love. But I haven't felt that way with anyone. Nobody seems interested in the way I am, the way that I act, the way that I talk, the way that I look into people's eyes to make that first initial contact, the way I am so open about most things that people usually wouldn't be. I have no filter except for one. I don't talk about my feelings openly. I keep everything inside of me to the point of where I almost burst at the seams and then I clear my head and punch my pillow or mattress and then I get on with my life. I have better things to do then tell everyone how I'm actually doing. Nobody wants to hear about it. I don't care to tell someone the truth if they are TRULY interested and concerned. But nobody is. Nobody ever has been concerned about my feelings and life. I've never even been asked how I'm doing by someone unless I ask them first or bring it in their attention that I really want to talk about it. Even then I don't tell anyone the whole story. I keep my true feelings locked in a box lost in my head and I want to eventually find that box and open it up. I'm sure that there is so much love and crazy emotions that I haven't ever even experienced the slightest bit. I'm just waiting for that person that wants to help me find it.....
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If you do not love someone then let them go and you would know it because you would feel it.
You cannot find love it finds you.
Relax, be yourself, share yourself with others, and it just might come your way.
ReplyAlso when you feel it you will able to say it without feeling weird.
The last thing is people show love the way they want kind of like a personality so do assume they do not love you because they are not doing or saying what you think they should be. That could be because you are looking for someone to love you rather than the one you love.
Love never works if it is one-sided.
Good luck!
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