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im so fucking frustrated. i feel like a slave to this system. simple things are 10x harder for me than they are for someone who doesnt struggle socially. i am trying so so so hard and i feel like i get nothing in return. its so emotionally draining.
and when i try to go back to why im doing all of this to begin w... my "one" reason. its pathetic. how can i go on knowing that im killing myself day in and day out all for a life that i cant guarantee is gonna make me happy.
and thats what this is all for anyway. i say im pursuing a degree for my parents and while thats partly true, i cant deny that there is this very real and visceral part of me that feels there is no other way to be successful. i was socialized to be successful. high school conditioned me for this very moment. i am supposed to be a responsible daughter. i am supposed to be an intelligent, well-rounded student. i am supposed to be a worthy competitor. i am supposed to be the best. and nothing less than that is good enough. not for my parents, not for me, not for anyone.
a long the way i learned that without balance, ill never find satisfaction. i just dont know how to do it. im trying so hard the person i want so badly to be. and still im not seeing the pay off. it breaks me. i do school. i study. i try to do well on exams. i work part time and not even bc i need the money. im convinced that seeing the sun every once in a while for smth other than just to go to class will help me stay sane. and yet being around ppl just to feel apart of the in-group. just to feel like im doing my due diligence. just to feel enough. is somehow not as rewarding as i thought it would be. what can i say. its all just a temporary fix. the money is a motivator.
ik ive got some things wrong. whats that saying again.. old habits die hard. the truth is that personal hygiene is less of a priority to me than fitting in extra time before an exam. ill wake up and the first thing i do before i eat is open my laptop. i complain abt being too thin, but ill literally starve myself just to finish smth else first. nothing i ever do is just for me.
none of this is good. i know that. i wish i treated myself better. i wish i knew how to.
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