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I mainly thought of writing to vent out my feelings. I have been in a relationship for 11 years. I would describe our relationship as toxic, disrespectful, and no direction. I truly care for him. I wanted to help him and see him grow. I thought that everything was just as easy as I imagined.
We started living together in 2020 because of the pandemic. My family did not know about him only my sister. I have been keeping it because my family expects a lot from me. I understand them. That's why my plan is to help out, then introduce him to them once he is in a better position, but until now nothing has happened. He has vices, he smokes, he drinks occasionally, but I am feeling that he is under the influence again. He had history and he was convicted for 10 months because of them. While writing this, I felt stupid. I was young, naive, and in love at that time. Now that we are still living together, I pay all the bills, and provide for most of our needs. Although he is a phone technician, he doesn't earn as much as I do. We fight a lot because of many things. I know that he keeps a lot of secrets to me, but I don't bother myself to find out because the amount of stress he gives me is already so much that I don't want to hurt myself when I find out something. Although, they say, the truth will set you free, but if not knowing the truth will give me peace, I would choose not to know.
He also does not treat me well. I was expecting to be treated nicely since that's the bare minimum he can give me, but I don't get nice treatment. Sometimes he's nice, sometimes he's not. He shouts at me. When I notice something I don't like that he's doing, he raises his voice to me. So many circumstances that I felt neglected and disrespected.
I know I deserve the best. I want someone who will treat me like I am the most precious person in the world. I don't need much. I am not a materialistic person. I just want someone who will truly care for me and will treat me right. Of course, someone who is financially stable.
Maybe you would say that I should leave him, yes, I have thought and decided many times, but I am nowhere to go. My mom's apartment is so small and cluttered, I don't have space to work. It's hard to move to a new apartment since a huge amount of money is needed. I am not sure if this is just an excuse, but I am not sure where to start.
I love and care for him, but I am tired.
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I'm in the same situation. 16 years, 2 kids & I'm just tired & every time I begin mentally preparing to leave her, she begins acting sweet, caring & thoughtful like she can sense that I want to leave. She reels me back in every time but I'm done. Why does the cost of living have to be so high? None of my freinds or family know. I feel so alone & so very stuck. I'm falling in love with the girl who trained me at work & she has no idea how I feel about her. Even though I'm unhappy & want to end my marriage, I would never be unfaithful. I'm so damn stuck & I want to scream but I stay quiet. I want my kids to have a good upbringing but I also don't want them to think they have to stay in a toxic relationship just because society frowns upon divorce. I want to be free & be myself again :'(
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