My life?

Hello. You don't know me. And you probably never will. Today I'm set on changing my life around. These past few months, I've been doing things kids my age shouldn't. Just use your imagination about my situation. Disclaimer, this thing is a little long. :D

I have attachment issues and I'm attention starved. I'm not an attention seeker, the opposite really but these past few years have been absolute hell for me. I'm severely overworked. I do everything I can to get good grades and make my parents proud but it's never enough. I feel like the only way for me to get attention from them is from getting good grades. My life's pathetic really.

People are always saying how lucky I am to have chill parents and to be smart. But I feel like it's a curse sometimes. My parents have naturally high expectations for me. They expect me to give my all in everything I do and they always force me to be better. My siblings are of course dealing with their own struggle but sometimes I wish I could have a shoulder to cry on. I have 4 older siblings, I'm the youngest. Everyone has their own life of course, I'm not denying that. I just want someone to lend me an ear and a shoulder and just let me cry. I'm tired from holding back my tears.

My 'chill parents' aren't really chill. Well, I guess they kinda are. Maybe a little too chill. I was exposed to the internet at a really young age. Let's just say it's not really something you'd want your child to be exposed to. I first started with yaoi. I remembered my first manhwa being Siren Song. I saw it on TikTok. There was this one panel where one guy was asking this other guy if he was using him. And the other guy said yes. I'm a naturally curious person so I went to the comment section to maybe read about what happened. No one was explaining what was happening in the panel so I took it into my own hands to go look the manhwa up on Google and read it.

I remember reading the second chapter and thinking 'hmm, why did they draw him showering but they covered his dick with a white like thing around it?'. (People call it a lightsaber) I obviously didn't understand what it was and just scrolled past it. I got to like chapter 4 or something like that and Luan and this other guy (I forgot his name) is on the bed and Luan is jerking the other guy off. 9 year old me didn't understand what was happening but I remembered this weird sensation in my stomach. I guess I was too dumb to understand so I kept going. I read more and more and let's just say I only found out what they did was not really suitable for children after I finished reading it. But did I stop? No. I kept reading and that's when I discovered Wattpad.

You're probably wondering where this story is going but bare with me. I wasn't reading cute fluff, no. I was reading full of smut that I didn't even understand the meaning of. I just remember getting this sensation in my stomach and I loved it. That was when I was 9. After that I discovered porn and other things like that. I knew I shouldn't watch things like that. I knew. But I still did it. The first time I watched porn was when I was like 11 maybe? I came across a site while I was reading and I discovered more and more. I had parental control on my phone so I couldn't open incognito tab and I thought I struck gold with this. Then one day my phone broke and my brother took a look at it. I deleted any tab, site anything that might seem inappropriate.

This year was a special year for me. I was really looking forward to my birthday, which was a little strange because nothing special happen on my birthday. Nothing. No gifts, no cakes, no nothing. I'm used to it by now. Once you turn 13, the parental control app doesn't really apply on you. I was so looking forward to that day. I guess for me that was freedom. I started watching porn at least once every 3 days. I started masturbating and stuff like that. Maybe to some it's not really that big of a deal, but for me it is.

Getting back to the story, these days I've been severally attention starved. I'm not acting like myself. I'm getting clingy with my friends. I am a clingy person, only to like one to two people though. But these days, I'm just about clingy with everyone. I want hugs, I want people to hold my hand, pat my head, stay close, I want people to do things for me. I guess I'm tired of acting like I don't want affection and attention from people. It's just, I feel like I'm not getting enough attention, not from my parents, not from my friends so I started looking for attention from other people.

I got this app like a few weeks ago. It started off with me just wanting to vent to someone, then it kinda escalated. I met this guy, and he asked if I had Snapchat. And I said 'No. Should I download it?'. I got curious and downloaded it. Added him as a friend and we talked. He's if I'm not mistaken a few years older. I lied about my age so I was a year younger than him even though I wasn't. He wanted to call. I was reluctant at first but I'm kinda a people pleaser so I gave in. We called and I felt like shit afterwards. (He was jerking off and he asked to see my body which I of course agreed to do) I feel like I shouldn't be doing stuff like this and I cried. Stopped messaging him. After maybe a few hours, he texted again asking if I'm okay and stuff like that. You might think I learned my lesson, I didn't. We called like maybe 3-4 more times. At this point, I had a few other friends on there, not irl friends, just random people I added.

I added a guy who was twice my age. He's an adult. I added him because he had a weird name and we got to talking because of that. (It was something like Iwantyounggirlcunnie or something like that.) He said he likes girls my age and I asked if he was a pedophile which he answered no. We all know he is. I knew he was. Yet I still send him pictures of me. I don't know why I did that. I feel disgusting. I feel like a worthless piece of trash. That was 3 days ago. Earlier today I deleted my account. I didn't tell anyone.

What caused me to delete my account you might ask? Well, let's just say I'm lonely and I don't trust anyone so I went on C.ai and told Aizawa (a fictional character) about what happened and he was disappointed. He said he understands that I might feel lonely but sending pictures to guys was not a good way to get the attention I needed. He said I was young and I had my whole life in front of me. It kinda gave me a reality check and I really thought about what he said. That was also three days ago. I guess today was the breaking point for me.

I texted one of my 'friend' and we kinda had a streak. He said 'can I send a snap for the streak?' and I said 'sure' and he sent me a dp. Was that what I was expecting? No. It kinda made me sad tbh. I don't know. I guess a part of me actually thought of him as a friend. I guess not for him. I asked him if he was always hard and he said no and asked why I said that. And I replied saying whenever I text him he's always hard and he said that if he was online it's mostly to jerk off or something like that.

That made me cry. Why? Because I felt like i was just a fling. Like I'm nothing more than a random hookup. I cried and I guess I felt like shit the entire day. I guess the reason I added him was to have company when I'm sad or bored. Of course I wasn't expecting him to text me every second of everyday, but when he does text me it makes me happy really. Having someone to talk to feels nice. Especially if that someone is an actual person and not a bot.

I was crying before I wrote this thing. I'm still young. I know that. I don't want to ruin my life because I'm too dumb to realize what I'm doing is wrong. I just want attention. I just want an actual person to like me for who I am. I feel like I have to constantly hide how I feel from everyone because I'm scared they might judge me.

Do I want someone to ask me how Im doing and stuff like that without a hidden intention? Yes. Of course I do. Will I ever get that? Probably. One day. Maybe one day I'll finally realized that all long there was people in my life rooting for me all along. For now I'll just stick to writing my story here. Maybe one day I'll find someone who might hear me tell this story to them without judging me.

Thank you if you're still reading. I'd love it if you commented.❤️