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i just feel so sad. all i do is study. i dont have any friends. youd think maybe w all the time i spend trying to push all of this information into my brain that i do extraordinarily well on exams but the truth is i dont. this isnt rewarding at all.
so many things have changed. its a little easier talking to ppl. i can cross the street now. and i can walk around in stores and not feel the weight of a bunch of eyes on me. i guess i can also hold longer conversations. ive gotten better in some ways sure but im still the same in a lot of other ways. its rly discouraging. idk how much i can take of this.
im hearing my roommate talk abt how her friend invited her to a bday dinner. the day before her exam apparently. but she decided shes still gonna go. thats good. its fun. theyre going to the mall to pick up some makeup on friday i think.
i dont do any of that stuff. i dont go out. i dont drive bc it terrifies me. i also cant help but wonder if theres just smth innately wrong w me. 19 yrs of life and 0 friends. its impressive. shes only been here for a yr and she knows and talks to more ppl than i do, and quite frankly, ever have, except i was born here. idk if ive just gotten used to it, but im surprised that living w her isnʻt causing me as much discomfort as i initially anticipated it would. i still wonder what she thinks of me but there somehow isnt this urgency to completely abandon the situation and isolate myself. maybe bc i like the company. maybe bc i need it.
a few hrs ago i came back from picking up groceries. the store is like a 5-8 min ish walk from where i live. as the doors of the elevator opened up to my floor, i saw my sister. with her leather handbag. the smell of watermelon scented perfume dancing on her skin. she told me she was going to see her friend who dorms on campus. and i. well i was just gonna head back to the condo. eat my dinner. and then continue studying. shes used to seeing me like this so i shouldnt be embarrassed. but i was. a little.
its just a whole lot of everything and nothing at the same time. theres no one i can go to for any of this too. i genuinely think im gonna fail. i dont believe in myself. which rly does make studying 10x harder. and then to think there isnt rly anything in my life that i look forward to. there isnt anything in my life that makes me happy. i tried opening up a case at the counseling office again so that i have a place to release all of this pent up resentment and anger. but i dont even have time to attend appointments during the week.
the last thing i see before i go to bed every night are words on a screen. and then i close my eyes for a couple of hrs only to open them back up to the same nightmare. its just depressing. idk how much longer i can go on w everything the way it is
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I am sorry that life is like this for you, but it is up to you to change the way you live.
Replyhey until recently i was also feeling like this thinking it would never get better living w no hope no desire nothing at all but suddenly on a random wednesday i stopped feeling this way. idk how that happened i dont feel as miserable as before. it is still there but not as prominent. so what i want to say to u is dont lose hope THINGS WILL SURELY GET BETTER i trust you so pls dont give up i hope u can achieve happiness and peace one day
ReplyI think it's hard finding real friends; I struggle with it too I'm 20 and I don't have any friends in the city, don't have anywhere to go to except my uni and don't have anyone to talk to.
ReplyI'm soo proud of you, Keep pushing, My honeypiebubblebumcutiepiecottencandie
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