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i've been trying to keep my head up for a long time now and they're right when they say ignorance is bliss. i tend to ignore all my problems until they build up and i break under the pressure of everything at once. there's a few big things in my life that are stressing me out currently
- i fell in love for the first time ever (LDR) and my heart is slowly being broken every day by that person, even though we mutually separated due to school and having less time to talk and care for each other, i still love them very much and they do (or did) too, but i feel like he's drifting away from me now and i can't do anything about it
- college of course, is a constant source of stress, i'm in my second year at a community college and i still have absolutely no idea what i want to major or in or where i want to transfer. all of my friends went straight to 4 year universities so i just feel very far behind and unsuccessful.
- i was recently diagnosed with panic disorder, i have panic or anxiety attacks nearly every day and they tie in with my emetophobia (fear of anything to do with vomit). i've been having more and more of these episodes recently and it's really affecting my day to day life. i feel like this is a big reason as to why i feel so far behind. i'm afraid to go out and look for my passion or try new things. i don't like meeting new people.
so, i don't know where to start really. i always say things turn out the way they're supposed to be but i'd like to at least have some sort of direction and not wander aimlessly in everything i do. i'm really lost and i hate when people can see that in me. i don't want to talk to a therapist but i may have to because of my panic disorder. i feel like i'm only getting more depressed as time goes by and nothing has changed. i just had to write all of this some where so i could stop crying and carry on with my responsibilities. not entirely sure how this works but thanks if you read or replied.
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