Almost but Not Quite

I hate being out of it and fearing that things are not going to work out and hold on before I turn this into another depressing post let me tell you I have some sporadic moments of happiness every once in a while but that’s pretty much all I feel, and now going back to the depressing part it seems like life is constantly putting me obstacles in the way… more than I could ever have imagined. As always, I know I don’t have it that hard, but it’s my life I feel like it’s perfectly valid to complain about the things in my life without needing to compare myself to others. Existence… was thinking in the shower and goddamn man but the more I think about it the more it feels to me like nothingness should have been the case… like unless something is not really what it seems, and calling it something is not “it” then… could reality be so distorted and all over the place? With nothingness there’s like no struggle or anything but at the same time the reason why that wouldn’t be “it” either could be that in order to have nothingness, something must exist… I wish I could insert a moment of silence here… picture it in your head… because silence or nothingness seems to me like the most peaceful and harmonious answer to what should have been the case, but at the same time it can’t be attained because the moment you open your mouth you speak into existence, so there must be like… some sort of intermedium answer for things being how they are. I lost myself freaking hard there. Just to be clear I’m in one of those states of mind where I feel lost and don’t seem to be finding my conqueror or savior in order to save myself. Could be derealization or something of the sort. I am fearing that the things in life don’t work out, like suddenly my mom has some health issue or something related and then she passes away and I’m left all alone… or many case situations where bad things happen and nothing, not a thing would be the same. As I approach my demise, I want to do less in order to enjoy life because I fear I’m wasting my life away and I would rather spend my time with my family, if possible, in any way… because I cannot yet come to terms with the idea that working to earn my living is a future possibility. I mean, I have two brothers, but I fear the worst sometimes, like they are going to commit suicide and they leave me all alone… like they don’t have to take care of poor baby me, and they don’t even like me that much, and I don’t want them to feel that way, but I’m the youngest out of the three and I am almost completely and utterly useless. I don’t even go out, and man sometimes I wish I was a pet because then I would be carried through life until I die, and wouldn’t have to wait so long, now wouldn’t it be nice? Like the song… Also why is happiness so temporary…? It’s such a pretty feeling but it just lasts barely minutes sometimes, I wanna say most of the times. These days I want always almost mindless fun. My computer, tablet and phone been carrying me so hard… I am grateful for these things, even though it is true that I like replaced my friends for it at one point in my life, but they were fake friends anyways… it was bound to happen; I was just left with technology and the online world… and family of course. Existing is so strange and sometimes I swear, I think everything is next to impossible (not impossible) but next to impossible like all the time… therefore leaving us with uncertainty and honestly I don’t think we will ever get to the heart of the matter or understand existence… add “almost” never in there for good measure. I don’t really like absolute terms, to call something impossible is just a forever-concept, and I believe forever to be a frightening concept… so maybe things are just like… “infinity minus one,” whatever that means… or most and least, or next to impossible… anything except absolutes. I’m just so tired or sick rather that I decided to make this long ass rant about my life and existence. Sorry not sorry thanks for reading.