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These past 5 months of my life have been the most lonely and depressing I have ever felt. I ended a 4 year relationship in May in a sudden way because I was over the relationship from months before then. At first I felt like a shitty person for doing so to her, something without warning, although things hadn't been the best between us for the past 2 years I'd say. As I spent time to myself post break up, I realized how poorly I was treated throughout it. How my thoughts were never valued, I was disrespected on a constant basis, I pretty much felt like it was her world and I was just a guest in it. Now I am as caring as I can be, i go out of the way for people that I love, sometimes more than I should, and I think processing everything made me realize how damaged this relationship made me. I became apologetic for everything that I do, not just with her but everyone around me in my life. There was always something I did that was wrong, and even when I would support the best way that I can, it was never good enough. I have sunken into a place where I no longer feel good about myself. I have felt like I am a worthless person, that doesn't deserve anything good to happen to them. I have so much anger built up because I never stood up for myself for anything, I just took it and took it, and eventually when I no longer could, I just became quiet. I broke up with her through the reasoning of falling out of love, and that is true but when she asked me what caused that to happen, I couldn't answer her. It wasn't until now, that I stepped out of the view of being so deep inside something that you don't see the wrong, that I know that my love faded away each time I was put down, I was sworn at, that I tried to be positive about something. She was negative about every little thing, and I always tried to bring out the silver linings to things. About three years into our relationship, she went through a period of severe depression, and I supported her through it as best as I can, even through her own suicidal thoughts, to my worriedness of her doing something that I would get her to drive to my apartment in the middle of the night. That started taking a severe toll on my own mental health because I was stuck in a world of fear, and it started to affected my life outside the relationship, the time I'd have for myself, for friendships, for the program I was in at college. It came to a point where I couldn't take it and brought it up to her, that I can't manage this without her getting help. Going forward from that, anytime an argument was made, during our breakup and even post breakup, she would bring up that I wanted to breakup with her because she was depressed. It bothered me so much to hear that, because that was never the case, it was her threatening her own life and me worried sick that if I just told her to stay home, I'd wake up to her dead and spend my life blaming it on myself. I don't think it was ever fair to have that weight put on me, and then to have it all turned on me like I'm the asshole, the shitty boyfriend who wouldn't support their girlfriend going through a depressive phase of life. I realize this post comes from all directions at once, but I only recently spoke about my relationship in depth to a few friends and family because through the whole 4 years, I never opened up once about how I was treated. I just would say "things are good" to everyone whenever they had asked. I don't know why I couldn't open up. Was I embarrassed that I couldn't stand up for myself? Did I not want to admit to my own self that I was being treated poorly, and just live in self-denial instead? I don't know what it was that kept me quiet exactly and I think I'm still discovering that, but at this point, 5 months past, I just feel lost. I feel like a part of me is taken away from who I used to be as a person. I get anxious, I get panic attacks, I worry a lot and I don't know how to manage that sometimes. I don't know how to put myself out there again, I don't know how to find myself, I feel like I am just living in a shell sometimes. Let me add however, that although I feel very down and anxious, I very much want to live in my life, and have my career that is just about to begin which I am so excited about. But I just want to be me again and not feel like a weight is squeezing on my chest half of the time.
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I am sorry that this happened to you.
Because you have been through so much negativity it will take you a while to get over it and to be alright again. You have been in a toxic relationship and because you didn't stand up for yourself your ex saw you as being weak and someone she could constantly pick on. From now on when someone talks in a nasty way to you please stand up for yourself, and if you have another girlfriend who is suicidal tell her to get professional help. You should have insisted that your ex got professional help when you were with her. I hope that you meet a girl who has good mental health and don't let her see you as a weak person who she can pick on and put down. It looks like your ex did this to make herself feel and look good because she has low self esteem. If you have any big problems in your next relationship there is always relationship counselling that both of you can go to. I wish you all the best and if this past relationship keeps playing on your mind or keeps affecting you in a bad way please go to a therapist.
ReplyHello. I know you don't know me but I want to give some words of encouragement. In life, we face experiences in life that hurt us. In the relationship you had with your previous partner, you both were hurt in different ways. Many times in life we try to help others while we are hurting ourselves. The first thing that helps is forgiveness. A key this is to forgive her and also to forgive yourself. In the ending of your message, it shows that you want to grow from this experience and grow in life. I recommend therapy but mainly someone who I know can take the pain away, and bring love. It Jesus. He loves you so much! If you don't feel like releasing all your pain and feeling, I promise you Jesus will listen. He wants to help you grow and he can move the weight from your chest. I am speaking from experience. I went through something similar in my life. I felt like no one understood and I felt like a bad guy but when I took it to Jesus, he is healing me and I find joy in life. Yes, I have my ups and downs some days but the peace he gives, nothing can compare to it.
ReplyI'm so sorry you've had to go through what you have in a toxic relationship. It takes a lot of courage to acknowledge the pain you've endured, and I'm here to support you. Please know that you don't deserve to be treated this way. I think it's time for you to take back control and stand up for yourself. I know it's scary, but it's essential to recognize your worth and prioritize your own well-being. Remember that standing up for yourself is not selfish; it's necessary. You deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and love. Don't let anyone make you feel otherwise. It's completely understandable to feel lost and uncertain about who you are, especially in those times. It's okay to not have all the answers. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and uncertain about your future. finding yourself is a journey, and it's okay to take your time. You don't have to have it all figured out right now. Be patient with yourself.
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