Realization

I have not been happy for a long time. Some days I forget and I love you, then the smallest thing happens and my bubble is popped again. I have said I wanted to leave before and we fight. Some times I think just give it more time, I don't want to lose time with my kids, I don't want to lose the comfort of my home I have put so much work into. I tell myself I don't need love, I would rather live comfortably without love than to have love and struggle again. I made myself believe that until a week ago.

I have been struggling, I stopped trying to fake happiness. I think the dam finally broke. We got in an argument like always, he loses his temper. He gave me shit for always being too tired to have sex, I work 3rd shift and am expected to sleep 3 hours adn get up to take care of out kids and pets and house and him. I lost it and told him why I have such a complex about sex. How my ex husband would force himself on me and then beat me for it not working. He laughed at me. I was ugly crying and telling him what happened to me and he laughed at me. It was a week ago and it's all I can think about. I replay it in my head and imagine that he didn't laugh at me, that he came running down from the top of the stairs and held me and I would feel safe.