My life sucks and it’s probably my fault.

I suck at writing so bear with me. Thought it might be good to write stuff I think about.

Let’s get the basics out of the way, I’m in my 20s and my life sucks. Pretty basic right.

I’m pretty sure it all started when I was a youngin.

I had a pretty meh childhood, I was evidently a drunken accident. Pops left, Moms kept me, (hooray) and yeah, grew up pretty average, middle class all American family.

Had a pretty messed up sibling, severe mental illnesses, constant outbursts, tantrums, etc.

Pretty scary stuff when I was just a lil kid?

Caused a lot of anxiety, caused neglect from the parents,

And all around sucked.

But life wasn’t all bad then, I was an average kid man, I liked playing video games, enjoyed reading and sports and all that basic kid stuff. I had a friend around my age who lived near by, used to play games in their treehouse!

Fun stuff right.

Well school started, ya know, preschool and kindergarten.

Don’t remember much of that, but I think it was alright.

I went to a real nice catholic school, was literally a few blocks away from my house, had a big playground, and a ton of sports and clubs and all this stuff.

Well, it didn’t go well for me, which is probably my fault.

I was clearly really hungry for attention, and since I was a kid with more questions than anything, I didn’t really believe in religion, (if I even knew what religion really was.)

Long story short, the catholic school system wasn’t very good about that.

They decided I was just a bad kid, which I guess I probably was in there eyes.

I used to have to sit in the front of the classroom, facing the wall, all day long. I was pretty much ignored, bullied and pretty much a grade A Loser,

School was far from fun, but my mom tried her best, but she didn’t have it easy either, so I can’t really blame her.

The next grade wasn’t better than the last, I basically became the class clown, always trying my hardest just to get a little bit of attention from anyone for anything.

I embarrassed myself, hurt myself, got in trouble constantly, and basically was known throughout the school as an idiot.

Also I was upgraded from sitting at the front of the classroom, everyday I was sent out into the hallway with my desk, had to sit there for a few hours.

But hey, at least I made “friends” but they weren’t really friends, and the only true friend I had was the treehouse friend.

They moved away, I don’t blame them, (they are doing amazing in life currently, we don’t talk anymore, but it’s for the best.)

My sibling got worse, mental healthcare sucked, (still does)

And my mom was so overwhelmed that she couldn’t just fix everything like we expect are parents to do.

3rd Grade. (I know right, crazy how all this went down in just two grades.)

Switched schools, this was a fun one, it wasn’t a bad school. Just not a private school, big difference.

It was actually a lot better than the last one, aside from the whole, abusive teachers and messed up students, knives and other fun stuff. (School got shut down fairly quickly don’t worry)

Long story short I was a loser. But a cool loser I think, so meh.

Principal put their hands on me, (Restraining me for a non existent outburst I had)

Mom learned about it, flipped out, school fired the principal.

And she decided to take me out and put me into homeschool.

Now at first, I thought homeschool was awesome, I was safe, I could eat whatever I wanted for lunch, and I got to be around people I knew, people who liked me.

Turns out I was wrong lol.

My social life was now non existent at a young age, I had no friends, no life, and homeschool at the time, was pretty much not learning anything and sitting in a room all day listening to recordings.

My sibling got worst, got dangerous, got police involved.

Very scary.

And my mom felt like shit, like a failure, but she didn’t understand it wasn’t her fault, it was her kids fault.

I started to hate my sibling, and hate myself, I actually think I hated everything.

(If you’re still reading, sorry I suck at writing.)

Got into therapy, some were good, some were meh,

Got into medication, (that sounds bad it was legal.)

Medications were fun, because they helped me feel not sad, actually I felt nothing. Which is bad I guess so yeah, not great.

Meds basically made me a mess for 3 years, so by the time I was… 10-11, finally got off all the meds.

School sucked, I was genuinely just dumb, didn’t understand, couldn’t understand, didn’t want to understand.

My mom put me in sports, baseball, soccer, you name it.

And honestly, I enjoyed it, I met one of the coolest people I know doing sports, an actual friend.

However, the gap of me having no social interaction for years, made me realize something, I didn’t understand. I couldn’t comprehend how people could be so nice and friendly. And have fun.

So I quit sports, and the reason? Get this.

Was because my sports team was having a party, and my pathetic self was too scared to face any of them in a social environment other than sports.

Years went by, and I started playing video games more, Sith said friend, (sports friend.)

Video games man, I swear they saved me, I met so many people, if it worked out, awesome, if not, I unfriended and moved on.

School by the way still was a mess. I spent more time playing video games than doing anything academically important.

I was probably like, 14 maybe? I met a girl online, played games with her everyday. She was just like me, our lives were a mess, but we worked! And I was genuinely happy.

Year or two went by, sibling got worse,

Mom got into a car wreck, very bad.

But life was ok. I was getting through it.

I was 16, the video game girl stopped playing with me.

And I was heartbroken. It was so pathetic, I was completely devastated and upset because someone didn’t want to play video games with me?

I hated myself for it. I mean really, it was probably my fault, I was annoying and obnoxious and just wanted attention and was just such an idiot. I mean my stupid idiotic self thought I was in love or something.

I spent so much time trying to get them back, trying to be friends again, it was all I could think about,

Long story short, I pretty much failed, realized what an idiot I was, and gave up, and absolutely hated myself for it.

17-18, was a rough time, I realized that I needed to actually do school or else I’ll be stuck in high school for the rest of my life. I was and still am dumb. And pretty much cheated my way through high school.

I quickly learned that sports friend, (who is doing so well in life so happy for them) and everyone else I knew was out in the real world. Didn’t have time for video yegames, had to worry about college, and jobs, and yeah, everything like that.

And I hated myself more, because I just wanted to play video games with my “friends” but my “friends” aren’t really friends. They are just people who are great, who have lives, lives that I am not in, lives that don’t concern me.

19.

A year away from 20.

Sibling finally got better, mom is getting there.

Well, I didn’t have any friends, didn’t have a shot in hell at learning how to be social,

Video games weren’t fun anymore.

Currently on therapist number 13.

I don’t even really talk to them anymore, just didn’t see the point.

Hey, here’s 150 bucks, my life sucks blah blah blah.

Just seemed silly.

About to graduate, a little late but hey, better than never.

I was able to get an online job, it’s super simple and easy, and the pay, although isn’t great, is enough to survive on with my mom.

If I didn’t mention it already, I’m still living with my mom.

Very lame I know, but hey, if I was on the streets I would have probably done something I shouldn’t have. And at least this way, I can’t even think about that without hurting the only person I care about.

I truly don’t care about my sibling. At all, not even slightly.

I just don’t feel love for them. I don’t wish them dead or anything like that. But I just don’t feel anything towards them.

I love my mom, and I feel really bad that my sibling and I ruined her life, she used to be so happy, and now she’s like me, just not happy.

My mom wasn’t perfect, hell nobody is, but she really did try.

Year 20. (Woohoo you made it.)

Well, this is now. So fun.

Job is going well, it’s completely non social. So I’m just alone in my room.

All I do is work, constantly, work and work.

Sometimes I do chat with my old video game friends, but they are busy, so I don’t bother them with my lame life.

I used to think money did make you happy.

Now I’m not rich or anything, but I could comfortably spend enough to get really anything I’d possibly want.

And I don’t want anything, I’m just so, so tired.

Bought my mom flowers the other day, made her smile.

Made me feel like shit. Since that’s all I could do for her.

I’ve seen it all, heard it all, join support groups, volunteer, do this, do that.

But I just can’t. I just emotionally, and physically just can’t.

I’m so tired of trying.

But hey! I’m not suicidal, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to hurt anyone or anything like that,

I just don’t want anything.

So I just sit here, in my room, looking at my computer.

I like statistics, they are fun, because they are honest.

Did you know that one in 300 million is the chance of winning the lottery.

I think that’s cool, like if your that one person, you beat the odds.

Anyways, sorry for dragging this out, long story short,

My life sucks, but statistically speaking, I’ve never won the lottery. Which technically means, I’m in the same boat as 299,999,999 million people.

So that’s fun.