endless cycle that i really need to break

it started a month ago, everything went downhill. i started staying up late at 3-4 then my parents wake me up at 5-6 so i can lock the door and look after my baby sister. I'm oldest that's why i have to be the one awake.

There are times where i fall asleep early then 3 or 4, like 12 or 1 but it's still awful. there's been constant depressive episode i have these past few weeks and i really want to get out of it, of course it's not gonna be out permanently but, i want to overcome it.

The thing is, I've become lazy and unmotivated, being an oldest daughter, I've disappointed a lot for my parents. I had a lot of potential when i was a kid but ever since financial problem became more and more serious, it had me depression. Me and my siblings stop studying and years went on, i was able to graduate senior high. so are my siblings.

As i turn 20, nearing 21. i haven't gone to college because of financial issue and the worst of all, i can't take part time without my visa or my certificate in my senior, we haven't paid yet and it sucks.

Every constant bicker of my parents, worrying about money and always would constantly think about us. I would often think if it's also my fault, I'm already an adult, i should be helping but i don't know how, it's feels pathetic to feel this way and the way my mindset works and i hate it too.

It's just, I'm constantly reminded that I'm the oldest, i should set an example, i should be positive, smart and mature. But here i was, depressed and have little hope, i tried my best to be the older sister but i guess i wasn't enough.

There are people who helped me get through to not, end myself and I'm thankful and very grateful. I hope to break this cycle soon, just finding my own way and my own happiness. Coming out my comfort zone and all.