beauty: what the heck

I've never thought of myself as particularly beautiful. i make silly faces in photos because i can't stand my forced smile. my friends are gorgeous. i guess im a bit biased, but they really, really are. i look back at pictures of myself with them, and i always feel like i'm just a little bit off, you know? they're so pretty, and i'm just me.

but then i look away from my camera and look in the mirror. and suddenly i'm beautiful. i don't know how its possible to look that different mirrored. when i put on a cute outfit and take a picture in my cool mirror, i swear my confidence triples. but then i remember that people don't see me mirrored, they see me like the camera. and we're back to square one.

and then i remember some quote i saw on pinterest about how you can look at the moon and see how pretty it is and then you try to take a picture and its all fuzzy and boring. maybe there's something about me that the photos just cant capture. something that makes me beautiful.

and then i remember some very specific memories. times people said i was beautiful. one time someone i just met said she loved my laugh and how i "radiated positive energy." that was like a year ago. i still remember it like it was yesterday. one time my crush complimented my laugh too. and smiled at the way i bounce when i walk. just today, i was at drama (i work in production) and i was with my friend (S) and her friend that i don't really know (M). we were talking about height and S is a lot shorter than me, so me and S stood up to compare heights. we talked and laughed. it was nice. Then M looks at me and says "you're really pretty." this caught me so off guard, because I was standing next to S, and S is like one of the prettiest people i've ever seen. Never in my wildest dreams would i have ever thought that someone would see me next to S and call ME pretty. I got all flustered and looked down at the ground and smiled and squealed "thank youuu". so maybe there's something about me that some people can see. something that makes me beautiful

and my best friend E and I were talking in the dark on one of our night walks. we were laying down on a double slide at the playground. E is also gorgeous. Her eyes are this amazing captivating hazel and she has an adorable button nose and the sweetest smile and her hair is long and golden and always perfectly brushed. But she tells me things, tells me that she doesn't think she's beautiful. I just look at her and I wonder how this is possible. But I know how. Because I feel it too. And in this realization I find beauty in myself. Maybe someone will someday look at me as I tearfully tell them I don't like this that and the other thing about myself, and they'll feel this same strange feeling, when you know the answer but not the reason.

And later that night with E she shows me her pinterest board about me. And I look at all of this love and thoughts and memories, and I cry. I run into her arms and I cry, and she asks me what is wrong, and I tell her she is everything, everything I need, everything I ever needed. And she holds me. And then we walk home. We talk of school and friends and life. And in that moment, I know what it is to have a best friend.

And my crush. I think she is the most beautiful person of all. Blue-gray eyes and perfectly placed freckles and a smile that melts me and when we laugh together the world seems perfect and right. We take pictures together and I stare at her smiling face for hours, but when I show these pictures to my friends, they just kind of shrug. And this I really don't understand. How I can see the very stardust that made her shining from every part of her, and they... dont? The prospect that someone could see that in me someday is... almost unbelievable. But then I look. And I feel. And I remember. And I believe.