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All the things I wish I could say on social media but usually keep to myself
1 week ago · 0 · Just sad, +4 · Explicit
98
I'm sad. I feel like I have no reason to be sad. I looked up a site today that would let you post anonymous notes. I thought it would make me feel better. I don't know how I feel. I'm 18. I feel like I've lived a long life. My parents don't love me. My friends my age either live with their parents or their parents pay for their college. I have my own apartment and enough stress to last me a lifetime. I feel like a failure. I've skipped like a week of school. I'm not behind though. I need to write an essay and a book talk though. I cried earlier. At the thought of a cartoon animal in a game killing itself. It didn't. But it made me think. I've never wanted to die. But I dint want to exist. When I was in 3rd grade. I thought I would be dead before I reached 6th grade. Then I was a 6th grader. I thought I would die before high-school. Then I hit high-school. Everything sucked. My home life sucked. Kinda hoped a car would hit me omw to school one day. Never thought I'd make it to 18. Now I'm 18. I don't talk to my parents. I hate them. I have my own apartment. I live with my bf. I love him. He's such an amazing and loving person. My life is amazing now. But I still feel sad. I want to get a therapist. I turned in the papers and stuff. But they haven't called me. If I'm able to get up tomorrow before work I might go check on that. I want to cry a lot. And eat. Apparently I have hypothyroidism. And I have cubital tunnel syndrome. I'm 18 and I have arthritis cream. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm depressed but I feel like I'm not important enough to be depressed. I'm not suicidal. I've always thought that was stupid. I use to self harm but I was like 15 and 16 and then realized I was being stupid. I think I used to have bad anxiety maybe not bad but I had one or two "anxiety attacks" Maybe more like mental break downs but not that severe. I know it was once because a teacher was forcing me to teach other kids how to do stuff and I couldn't do it because I was nervous and scared and felt like crying and this one girl was stupid and expected me to know her project she missed out on. She was fucking stupid. I ended up leaving the class. I don't remember if I cried. I don't remember a lot. I feel like lately at night I feel sad. I don't like driving home at night because I cry. So I have my bf drive me everywhere. But now I cry sometimes at home when he's not around. I love him it's not his fault I cry without him. I just don't know why I cry. Idk how to explain it to him. I think too much. I like writing but it's hard when my brain moves too fast or has too much jumbled up inside of it. Idk if I have depression. I know I'm sad a lot but I don't want to die but I don't want to exist. I hate that my parents don't love me. I hate that my bf has a happy family and I don't. I feel like I've always been that kid who's been an intruder on other families lives. They treat you like family but you know you're an outsider. I think I was molested when I was younger. I'm not sure. I know my mom let strange men in the house a lot. I remember one guy who was my stepsisters husband at the time. He liked to play with me. And tickle me. I got upset because he tickled me too far and he asked me what was wrong and I felt scared. I don't remember anything else. My stepsister divorced him after he crashed their truck with a minor he's was doing stuff with. I remember him trying to talk to me on social media when I was older but I ignored him. My mom used to throw things. I feel like I don't get to call it trauma if she never hit me. She tried to kick me put when I was 13. Because I told her to bite me when she was throwing another fit about something. She would always tell me how I made her want to die. As I got older I got tired of hearing it. So I told her to do it. I told her to kill herself one of the times she was going off on me about how she wanted to blow her brains out with a shot gun because of me. I remember being cornered at the fridge. I felt weak. And pathetic. So I told her to do it. That I wouldn't care. She didn't do it. She's alive. Abandoned me when I was 14. Technically twice. Maybe she should've done it. I lived with my dad for a while. He's a piece of shit. Would always get drunk. Threaten to throw things at me. Called me boring once because I don't drink or do drugs or party. He called me a bitch multiple times. He liked to corner me and take my glasses when he was drunk. Made me feel small. Weak. Pathetic. Would threaten to send me back to my mom. Called me his property. We always got into fights until I stopped fighting turned quiet stayed in my room and went to school. Hardly left to eat or I stayed at school from 8 in the morning to 8-10 at night for band practice or games. I wouldn't eat. My grandma told me I was being dramatic and that it was my fault for how my relationship with him was. But then she also told my step mom it was her fault when he hit her. I moved out when I was 17. We got into a stupid fight. I just needed a reason to leave. So I did. I haven't talked to him since. I don't want to. I never loved him. He didn't raise me. What I loved was the idea of a father. He wasn't it. He could die and I wouldn't care. I love my mom. But I hate her too. I would care if she died. I hate that. Would she care if I died? Prolly not. I hate that. I hate how pessimistic I am. But I think it's a bad coping mechanism. I eventually started being happier by choice. But lately that's been hard. Idk why. I want parents. Every time I think that I cry. I think I'm done talking. Pretty sure I should get a therapist. Who knows.
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