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I if it again, I don’t know why I am like this, I literally didn’t eat anything till basically5 pm and orders Mc Donald’s ordered fries and groceries all in all spent 59 dollars on junk food. Who does that? I really have no idea how this is going to stop but I am genuinely hating my self for doing this and I am writing this for the part of my self that is subconsciously making me do this but it’s a part of me and I can’t blame it, so this is the last time I am going to address that I hate the way I feel. I hate the way I look. I hate the way people see me. I hate the fact that I don’t look my age. I don’t want to be live like this anymore. This has been going on for three years and I’m only 19. I dont want to start my adulthood like this. I want it to be fun. I want to make friends. I want to be free in my skin. I want to go out on a date for the first time. I want to have the courage to were a tank top. I want to be free in my skin. I want to wear a bikini. I want to feel worthy of someone’s love. I know I sound pathetic and i probably am, but it’s so hard to say this thing to people you know because the judgement is so imminent and you can instantly see their face change. Especially growing up in a home where I have been told to watch my weight from a very young age and hearing relatives comment on my body every time they see me has ruined it for me. I am actually begging God for this one, I am going to pray he gives me the disciple to change my self for the better. And this part of me that involuntarily makes me hate my self needs to completely disappear, I don’t want to eat for pleasure I don’t want to eat compulsively and I don’t want to feel the pressure to get rid of it right after it. It’s damaging my body, ad my self image so I want it to STOP! I want to be better. I want to be fit. I want to be health and most of all I want to be HAPPY.
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Stop worrying about how you look and take care of your spiritual self. You won't get into heaven because you look good! Tell yourself to stop with the junk food. Write a shopping list of healthy food only and eat that. I wish you the best.
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