What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
I cannot believe I’m about to do this right now, but I have no other choice. That little face looking up at me, that beautiful little face. How could I ever let that down? I’ll do anything for my precious 2 year old little boy. Anything. Including “sell myself” to keep a roof over his head.
I’m going to an after party at a hotel right now. What if these men decide they don’t want to pay? What if they don’t care about the word no and just rape me? What if they decide they want to kill me so I don’t cause them any trouble after? Who am I to them anyways? Just some whore they don’t know, and could care less about. It’d be so easy just to throw me out to sea.
They’ve never seen that little face that is the reason I live and breathe.
Do I really trust the one who’s my “friend” will really protect me? Will the police even investigate it? No one cares about a dead prostitute. And it kills me to even refer to myself as that, because I’m so much more. But no one cares about that. No one cares about me anymore. Not after this. I've gone too far and society will never take me back.
I don't know that I believe that there is a God anymore.
But if there is please let me go home to my little boy tonight.
Because I can't stand the thought of never seeing his beautiful little face again. I can't bear the thought of him always wondering where Mommy is and why she never came back like she promised. I don't want him to grow up to feel abandoned like I did and turn out like me. He deserves so much better of a life than this. I don’t ever want him to know what it feels like to hate yourself as much as I do me.
When I was a little girl, this isn’t the life I dreamed of. I was so bright. I grew up poor, and severely abused in a city just north of Detroit. I knew there had to be better than what I saw around me. At age 14 my dad died and he wasn’t there to protect me anymore. My mother voluntarily relinquished custody of me 6 months later because drugs were more important to her than her own children and within months of that I lost my virginity to a violent rape. I knew it was time to leave so I moved across the country at 17, seeking out “The California Dream”.
But I can’t believe the cost to live here, and what the ultimate price would be to have the dream. Especially as I struggle to raise my child alone, because his father is in prison for trying to murder me.
At night, I close my eyes, I try to sleep. But every time I try to rest my eyes, my thoughts they torture me.
I know there has to be some love in this world, because that's all I feel for my little boy. No hate, nothing evil like my mother felt toward me. Nothing cruel like society enjoys inflicting upon me. I only feel love for him and want to see him succeed and have a better life than me. I’ll do anything to make sure he has a better life than me. Anything.
If there is a higher power somewhere up above, see that my actions are out of love. Let me go home to my little boy tonight. You already saw once that I will not die without a fight.
But I know better than these fairy tale dreams. I know there’s no one listening now to my plea’s nor will there be anyone up there to hear me if they decide to stifle my screams. It is impossible that any good or “holy” being would let someone experience human suffering to such an extreme as has been inflicted upon me. God is just about as real, as some green aliens shooting down their beams.
I'm almost there, I’m getting close now, I’m only about a mile. And as I drive, I drift away to my only true happy place - thinking about that perfect little face and his beautiful smile.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
I Wish...
I wish that you were different. I wish that I was too. I wish we’d fought and argued, like normal couples do. I wish that you threw parties instead of fist...
-
Thoughts
What I want to write about is why does my dad have to take his misery out on others. Its not our fault hes taking very little of a medication that hes grouchy a...
hi dear i hope everything goes ok for your life bless u for all your days
i like this song about a dead prostitute as well: it is very pretty
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFPPHqgMf0s
Reply