Rambling and Confusion- Trigger Warning; Mentions of suicidal ideation and depression

I hate my mind. For the past few months I have been experiencing bliss and euphoria, despite the constant stress wracking at my body, and that in itself was giving me anxiety. Why? Because of what I am now currently going through. Every time I have long periods of joy, it is followed by long periods of depression, burn out and fatigue, and I don't know why. I'm late diagnosed AuDHD with C-PTSD. Maybe that has something to do with it, I don't know, but right now, what I know is that I had to talk to my college professor(s) about special accomodations for class so that my grades don't drop due me missing class attendance because I have been unable to leave my bed. I have been sleeping for ungodly amounts of hours, only to stay awake throughout the night.

But every time I sleep, I don't want to wake up, even when I'm not tired anymore. I've been having meltdowns and panic attacks almost daily, if not daily, the urge to cut has become so extreme I've resorted to burning my hand with the cold touch of ice for excessively long periods of time to try to prevent myself from starting the habit again. I keep dissociating my emotions, and worst, I keep finding excuses to off myself. I hate when I get like this and I don't know why it happens or how to pull out of it. It's like, every time I think I've made progress, my mind says, "Psyche!" and throws me back to stage 01, making me want to just give up entirely because what's the point if this is all I'm ever going to feel?