Grief and grieving (a dream)

Long story short: I was born talented in music. Really. Over the average. But never could study. I studied as an adult from 27 to 31 years old, in very bad circumstances. But had to abandon it. Basically, life never gave me a break and as an academic musician you have to dedicate your life only to 1 job: practice. When you love it, is fine.

I was an opera singer student. A soprano with 3 wide ranges. That's the past since now I'm 40 y.o.

2 days ago, an old classmate invited me to his choir practice. He's the director. I went to try how I felt about it, since I don't practice music over 7 years I think. I went and I already was familiar with choir dynamics and practices. I chat with my old classmate only a bit. The memory that linked us was that he heard my voice potential and he remembers it (is difficult to forget also, because it was out of the ordinary). I can't describe you all my fears coming true: I changed a lot in the outside, because health issues. I got fat and my glasses got thicker (and I kinda look a bit like a "poor person" hehe, because I AM a poor person. Anyways ). So, I knew he would not recognise me. And he didn't, LOL. For opera singers, appareance is very important until certain point.

Finally, while going back to home, I felt my emotions mixed up.

My classmate and other 2 that where with me in the past, they are working as opera singers in different areas. Which is amazing for this city to actually be successful in that. This career, even if you get a title as a profesor (10 years) or a singer (5 years) and it's not private school, you do need to pay for master classes from good professors usually from the big city, travel to the big city also, etc., to improve to get to the professional level. Is not easy. So, it is a great news for me that they 3 are happily doing the dream job.

But me, I realised I will never get to that dream. Beyond the fact that you need money for supporting classes from great profesors and travelling to the big city, I didn't even had a proper job to survive. Not even today. But that's not what makes me sad and currently grieving...

What made me get into grieving is that I don't wanna porsue music anymore. For many reasonable reasons of course: money issues, important health issues I am treating, a change of my vision of the world... I contemplate myself, and I can't believe what I am now. Is not bad, is actually a better version of me.

I am not interested in participating in the 'mundane' part of world. I am an "humanitarian", in the spiritual aspect we can say. I always been. But now I'm old and more aware of it. I'm not interested in appareances, sales, wealth (what it's needed to have a decent life and that's it), public exposure, applouses, stages, etc., etc.

So, I am taking care of my health now, going to a support group called "N/A" (Neurotics Anonymous) and is doing so much good in me. But I just begin! And it's a lot of work ahead of me. So you can imagine how "handful" is this grieving thing for me.

The choir thing was on Friday night, 2 days ago, the Saturday was me being sad and reaching for a member of N/A but it was too late to go out when he contacted me back so I stayed at home watching comedy to "light" my mood. Also, I was reasoning my emotions to understand them. Reading N/A literature that is so good for emotions. And now is Sunday afternoon, and I do feel I'm taking care of it, but I also feel it will take time.

I am clear that this is a process. And I used to avoid it by getting busy. But now I know that is something I have to deal with. To face it.

Is so painful and sad. But that's how things turned. Please, understand my grief, don't give me ideas or advices to come back to singing, because I know is not only not possible, but also, is not something I want to pursue anymore, and that's the hardest part for me. Because I was happy while I was a student, in spite of all the missfortune I was living at that time, and it's beyond my understanding why the talent was gave to me if the opportunity never give it place to develope. I enjoyed it at that time. But not anymore. Now, I am not the same brain I was. And not the same spirit. And not the same person.

I guess it's only matter of time and keep taking care of my emotions and general condition. Meaning also: not going to participate in the choir.

Things around me are not easy, to say the least. But I won't describe them now. It's God's will. I am at peace while I'm learning about it and about me.

Thank you 🙏