the angry house

the angry man in my house is bad enough, but growing up on anger is worse. i have no idea how soft and gentle i really am because this innate anger in me overpowers it completely.

i have so much anger in me, anger aimed at the world and the stupid politicians in power and the people on the streets and the bombs in the sky, anger solely directed at the unfathomable betrayal i have experienced, a kind of cruelty not even my most unfiltered dreams could produce, anger stemming from this angry house- how can i be gentle when the only time i am heard is when my voice is used as a weapon?

when the only time they listen is when my voice cuts through them, and it’s mean and unforgiving and leaves scars, this is all i know, how can i now bring my voice down to a whisper? a soft tone, a gentle one, the whisper my heart quietly craves but it is not loud enough: head over heart always.

i was put on this earth to perform and achieve and put myself first, experience the luxury the west flaunted that my family could only dream of. i see the greatness i have been pushed towards since birth, the greatness generations of my ancestry have been craving, i have it within my grasp but i do not think it fits me, it’s a putty i can’t quite figure out, it hardens when i pull away and melts me into this lifestyle i didn’t get a choice in deciding on.

but the duty i have to pay off my family’s debt to a foreign country comes first, to succeed with my achievements as their achievements comes first. the anger that has surrounded me like a shroud of flames from my angry house is my biggest curse and my biggest blessing, it’s pushing me towards the finish line, burning me if i step out of line and keeping me on my toes, sharp and strong, an intensity that leaves me with nothing more to make of myself, i am my anger first, and my softness never.

i am an imprint of everyone that has come before me, i can feel the fervent desire that has been passed down to me, a flame to which i have no choice but to add to. i am everything my family was and all they will be, and i have the temper and that godforsaken anger to match, and a duty to fulfill, which i will set alight or burn trying.