Family unit

I'm gonna put it straight. I don't appear to care much about my mother anymore. How she is doing? Wholly uninterested, more dismissed than I would a stranger. My brother? I can't say I really give a shit. Not even his fault, that one. He can't help but be raised around people who treat me like that and NOT pick up the exact same mannerisms. Oh, but I'm not allowed to complain. Dismissal, dismissal. No wonder I don't give a fuck. She does not give a fuck about me, not truly. Our relationship is so surface level.

Every familiar relationship I have with my close family is distant, besides my sister, and my outer family. I guess it's simple, i spend so much time around people who won't even see me, constantly disrespect and disregard who I am and what hurts me, despite trying to be the most appealing at all times... I'm never enough for any of them. So yea, for every time that she pushed me down and made me feel so unwanted and never even ATTEMPTED to make me feel loved in a way I would feel it, even though she knows exactly what that is, I grew a little more distant. It's hard to cope with caring deeply about someone, and acknowledging their inner self as they are, trying to truly see them, when they will not do the same. It's like, what am I here for? To make you feel better? Am I your child or just some token object you can point to and say it belongs to you? Am I even a person in your eyes or do you prefer to keep me on a shelf to look at, never once changing when I tell you how much I hate it. Pretending that I don't have internal wants and desires and a sense of self that will stray from yours as a I grow. Projecting this idea onto me that I don't change and I'm exactly who I was WHEN YOU STILL WANTED ME. For what? For what... Of course I don't really give a shit anymore. I am nothing to you. And my brain has, for a long time now, disconnected emotionally from things that bring me fucking nothing but pain and emptiness in life.

She is in the HOSPITAL with my brother and yet I can't bring myself to really connect with that reality. I just dont really care. I don't care to hear how she's doing. I don't recall the last time she gave a shit when it really mattered to me. In fact, explicitly, did not care when it mattered most to me.

And I am selfish. I'm sick of putting forth effort into a relationship that doesn't benefit me at all. Drains me and makes me feel like no one could ever want me. I'm tired of putting in all this and not getting what i want in return. I'm tired of never being good enough for the simplest of respects, because she can't even see me as a person. I guess i am just and only a girl in her eyes, and to her that makes me a fucking object with absolutely no say in who I am and what I care about. I'm so tired of caring about someone who does not want to care about me